Content of the article: "I think Cyberpunk’s delays may have (quite literally) saved my life."
I'm not even really sure where to begin, just that I really feel like I need to. In writing this, I actually feel guilty that I let myself start thinking the way I did, when some of the other stories I've read on Reddit are really a hell of a lot worse than what I've gone through. But I keep comparing myself to others, and thinking that I'm not good enough or whatever, so I'm kinda trying to force myself to post this as… I guess, a way to say fuck it.
My first child was born on the 1st of May this year. This was after the first delay, where I thought I was going to get a chance to game the hell out of Cyberpunk the couple weeks before he was due. Holy hell, thinking about it scares me now, given my somewhat more positive headspace in the last few weeks. But I could not bring myself to love him. There was just no spark or bond or whatever that I'd read (and heard) that you're supposed to get when your child is born. That really, really freaked me out. I couldn't (and didn't and probably still won't) tell my wife about this at all. God it scares me, because I probably should, but all I could see was the pooping, screaming machine that ate up so much of my time and also drove me to exhaustion.
Then there is the issue with my work. I have this crippling fear that I don't know enough about the job that I'm paid to do. Despite the fact that I've been in the company for almost 10 years, I really (and still do) feel like I don't know anything. I just parrot ideas that other people mention to me, and effectively have no opinion of my own. In a role where I was supposed to be something like a consultant, that also really freaked me out. My wife is just about half and a bit of the usual earnings for our household, but given how busy we are with her on maternity leave, we started talking about how we can explore options for her to work from home. I'm paid OK enough, but definitely not enough to sustain a mortgage, housewife, and a child on my single income. The next logical thing to do is to look at asking for a promotion or looking further afield for other opportunities, but as I said above – I feel 0 confidence about my ability to perform in a role that I'm paid currently, never mind a step up from my current responsibilities.
The combination of both the points above put me into a pretty dark space. I feel silly (and a little scared) thinking about it now, but at the time I really felt no way out of my problem except… just letting myself disappear. I felt like I was failing my family down in both being a dad/husband, with not feeling anything for my son like he was just another fish to take care of, and not being able to support my wife and child long term. I'd gone as far as plan how I'd do it, and play through the scenarios in my head. A couple of times I stopped short of completing any 'trails of thoughts' because I couldn't bear the thought of my wife finding me at home. But ultimately, and I feel an immense burning shame that this is my what it came down to, but I just kept thinking about how I wouldn't get to play Cyberpunk. For context, I love the shit out of the cyberpunk genre. I probably played Deus Ex HR and MD more times than I can count, and even played cyberpunk MUDs back in the day, around 2005. So I just kept pulling myself through.
Fast forward (ish) to late August. He started smiling at us whenever we looked at him. Then he learned to flip over. I absolutely cannot believe how proud and happy I was over this little milestone. I think it all kinda made sense somehow but it was like a dawning of the sun or something. (I still don't really get it) He even looked so proud as he lay there on his chest looking at us and smiling. Somehow I really just want to protect his little world where he can be so happy at having finally learned to flip onto his tummy. Nevermind that when he gets tired he'll start to scream because he doesn't know how to flip himself back. I guess it's finally clicked that this is gonna grow to become a whole-ass person who will have to deal with the kind of shit we all have to deal with, and I'll be damned if I don't give him the best start that I can.
Work still sucks. But I really feel like at least one burden feels like it's off my back, that I feel like I can genuinely say that I do feel that bond for my son. The last few weeks where I've changed his nappy didn't even feel like a chore anymore, not when he's smiling and giggling at me because I'm wiping at his butt with a cold wipe.
I know I've only talked about events over the last few months, but this kind of anxiety (especially the one about work) is something I've been dealing with for as long as I can remember working. I also feel like I may have un-diagnosed ADHD or something, with the way my attention span/memory is at work. I've made an appointment with my GP to see if I need to get further referrals. I think I'm on the right track, except for the fact that it's now 2:30am and I'm writing this post instead of sleeping during a workday hahaha
Thanks for reading if you got this far. It's probably meaningless, but it was at least kinda cathartic for me to get this off my chest. As I mentioned before I keep comparing my problems to what I've seen on Reddit, and almost invalidate my own feelings because I didn't feel like what I went through was deserving of how low I got… if that makes sense. But if I forced myself to make this post because it's like I'm forcing myself to acknowledge my problems. I hadn't talked about this with anyone at all and still can't really bring myself to do it (yet). But maybe blasting this out on Reddit is an OK place to start haha
- My wife’s first encounter with Instant Death
- Considering adding to the list of “unprovoked scrutiny aimed at Cyberpunk 2077” I wrote last year (sourced mainly from Twitter)
- Changing Celestial Nebula Hideout Ground
© Post "I think Cyberpunk’s delays may have (quite literally) saved my life." for game Cyberpunk 2077.
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