Dota 2

How I will (very violently) win The International.

Content of the article: "How I will (very violently) win The International."

First I will grind to 10k mmr. Which should be pretty easy. But to complete my plan I'm gonna get to 10k in all 5 positions before the qualifiers. That's gonna be harder. Hire a coach, manager and maybe a social media organiser and make a team. I'll yoink Jenkins since he's seriously in debt with the hobos, convince EternalEnvy he'll get a free TI win and tell Speeed gameleap is underpaying him and then kidnap Henry Dota in his sleep.

Soon the qualifiers roll around and I'm prepared. You see I've learnt to play all 5 positions and play at 5 pcs at the same time. You see I dont need the other 4 players when I'm so good at multitasking. The qualifiers is a breeze as I've discovered the meta. I bribed Siractionslacks to convince his good friend Icefrog that Omniknight and Techies become the most overpowered heroes in the game. Every game is now a mandatory 300 minute borefest. Most teams just quit while they're ahead and give me the easy victory. I tell my team I no longer need them and untie Henry. He runs out and screams,

"You're crazy you'll never win TI by yourself you idiot!"

I smile. How little he knows.

I make it to the main stage and people are thoroughly confused how this one person has made it to the main stage. Through various interviews I explain everything. Or rather what they think is everything because I know for a fact the other 15 teams are listening. Just 12 steps ahead, that's me.

I make it to the upper bracket easily. I beat so many teams I barely remember who I'm up against. I squash VP, Liquid, PSG LGD and Alliance with a 2 0. Secret is a bit harder in the semi-finals but I win with a 2 1.

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I'm already at the finals to face OG. Fortunately I've prepared for this. I stomp game 1 and 2 and then deliberately lose 3 and 4 so I can give the crowd a game 5 that they'll love. But N0tail smells something. How can this one person play at 5 monitors at once?

There's a sound of crashing glass as Big Daddy himself launches himself through the booth debri flying everywhere.

"This is bullshit man!" He screams. "I'm sick of playing Dota against you. Fight like a man!"

I look up and punch my way through my booth my hands bloody with sharp glass. I grin.

"Very poor choice of words." I retort.

I pick up a fallen monitor and chuck it straight at Midone knocking him cold. Puppey emerges from backstage and drags him to the medical bay.

N0tail snaps his fingers. Socksa, Ceb and Topson emerge ready for a smackdown. Fly jumps down from the crowd ripping open his EG shirt revealing a giant OG tattoo across his chest. He fistbumps his (former?) best friend. Fuck. Even I didn't see that coming.

No matter.

The 2 time TI winners charge at me. OD pixel and Moxxi go wild as they get to cast the greatest game 5 final in history.

Saksa comes in first throwing punches like no tomorrow, with a swift counter I block, grab and then snap both of his wrists as he screams in pain. Ceb grabs me from behind and Topson begins to beat the shit out of me. I perform a backwards sommersault, kicking Topson with such force all his teeth fall out and I ruin his hair. He runs off crying in shame. Ceb is harder, after a minute of exchanging blows I pick up two pieces of broken glass and shove it straight into his armpit then put him out of his misery.

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Fly locks his eyes with me and I run right into him. I give him a hug and a quick kiss on the cheek and whisper in his ear.

"This isnt your fight Tal. I have no beef with you."

"I will never betray Johan." He whispers back.

"Fine" I reply, snapping his neck swiftly.

N0tail amidst the bodies and fallen parts of the stadium picks up the Aegis of the Immortals.

"See this." He says holding it high. "I will never give this up. NEVER."


I sigh. I jump upwards performing a roundhouse kick straight into his handsome face breaking every bone in the captains body.

The voice of John Patrick-Lowrie screams:


I pick up the aegis, dirtied with blood, sweat and tears holding it high. The crowd roars with bloodlust. I see Ana arrive late with his OG shirt worn proudly. He avoids eye contact with me and then calls a cab to take him back to the airport.

I see a heavenly light from above.

Gabe Newell jumps down from the ceiling crushing Slacks' Artifact stall in the process.

He shakes my hand.

I, Yiu-ching "Quartermistress" Mahoney have become the first woman to win The International.

Now I just got to do it again next year.


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