Dungeons & Dragons Online

Big man talks big game, shits himself.

be me, DM

be not me, Half Kenku-Half Elf Fighter, Half Orc Barbarian, Triton Monk, and Triton Paladin

fighter cannot keep it in his pants

party asleep, fighter on watch duty

sees a humanoid figure in the distance


attempts to woo the figure

rapidly tries to unwoo the figure, who is one of the lizardfolk bounty hunters sent to kill the party

successfully diverts lizardfolk's attention


morning comes, paladin has an intervention to stem the flow of the horndog torrent

"fighter your body is a temple and you can't let vandals in, you gotta stop trying to fuck everyone you see"


bickering goes back and forth until paladin issues ultimatum – if fighter is going to keep putting party in danger because of dick, then paladin won't heal or buff him

barbarian stops shoving popcorn in his face long enough to issue a bet – fighter dont need no help, fighter can handle the next encounter alone

fighter isn't stupid, that's a shit bet

barbarian flashes 20 gold

fighter is sprinting into the forest

arrives at river ahead of party, promptly ambushed by merrow who harry him with ranged attacks

fighter takes out his ranged weapon

fighter remembers he has no ranged weapon

merrow land a harpoon hit, yank fighter into river

party cleans up, with fighter missing every attack

except the last one

does 12 damage in a single swing, merrow skull goes crunch

party takes a breather


if fighter cooks an exotic meal, party wont be as mad

fighter wants to carve and cook the merrow

my eyebrows raise as i say "you can certainly try"

nat 20

of course its a nat 20

it's delicious

perfect mixture of steak and salmon

fighter boldly takes a bite

its fine

everything's fine

the con save of 13 means things are fine

i roll to see how bad monstrosity meat is

its a nat 20

of course its a nat 20

everything's fine

until party packs up to leave, when fighter freezes

mental alarm bells are ringing

the merrow meat is vacating his body

and it's not going up

fighter desperately needs to shit

barbarian's player looks up with horror on his face

"Wait, Fighter. Aren't you in heavy armor?"

fighter has to spend 5 minutes to remove his armor if he doesn't want to shit his pants

i can't keep a straight face as i ask for one final con save

nat 20

of course it's a nat 20

fighter has survived countless challenges

gutted by owlbears, exsanguinated by stirges, he has been on death's door so many times he signs his name at the guest book

this is the longest 5 minutes of fighter's entire life

but the mad man, he does it

squeezing every muscle in his body, he pops out of his armor before anything can pop out of him

he runs behind a tree and returns moments later

now, paladin's player speaks up

"how did you wipe"

lord above i did not want a response

fighter, however, was different

"i did not wipe"

and thus our paladin gave our fighter a bath

Read more:  Looking for things to include in the environment/geography of a ‘Xhorhas’ inspired post-war wasteland.

this is the ideal roleplaying scenario

you may not like it but this is what peak d&d looks like


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