be me, DM
be not me, Half Kenku-Half Elf Fighter, Half Orc Barbarian, Triton Monk, and Triton Paladin
fighter cannot keep it in his pants
party asleep, fighter on watch duty
sees a humanoid figure in the distance
attempts to woo the figure
rapidly tries to unwoo the figure, who is one of the lizardfolk bounty hunters sent to kill the party
successfully diverts lizardfolk's attention
morning comes, paladin has an intervention to stem the flow of the horndog torrent
"fighter your body is a temple and you can't let vandals in, you gotta stop trying to fuck everyone you see"
bickering goes back and forth until paladin issues ultimatum – if fighter is going to keep putting party in danger because of dick, then paladin won't heal or buff him
barbarian stops shoving popcorn in his face long enough to issue a bet – fighter dont need no help, fighter can handle the next encounter alone
fighter isn't stupid, that's a shit bet
barbarian flashes 20 gold
fighter is sprinting into the forest
arrives at river ahead of party, promptly ambushed by merrow who harry him with ranged attacks
fighter takes out his ranged weapon
fighter remembers he has no ranged weapon
merrow land a harpoon hit, yank fighter into river
party cleans up, with fighter missing every attack
except the last one
does 12 damage in a single swing, merrow skull goes crunch
party takes a breather
if fighter cooks an exotic meal, party wont be as mad
fighter wants to carve and cook the merrow
my eyebrows raise as i say "you can certainly try"
perfect mixture of steak and salmon
fighter boldly takes a bite
the con save of 13 means things are fine
i roll to see how bad monstrosity meat is
its a nat 20
until party packs up to leave, when fighter freezes
mental alarm bells are ringing
the merrow meat is vacating his body
and it's not going up
fighter desperately needs to shit
barbarian's player looks up with horror on his face
"Wait, Fighter. Aren't you in heavy armor?"
fighter has to spend 5 minutes to remove his armor if he doesn't want to shit his pants
i can't keep a straight face as i ask for one final con save
fighter has survived countless challenges
gutted by owlbears, exsanguinated by stirges, he has been on death's door so many times he signs his name at the guest book
this is the longest 5 minutes of fighter's entire life
but the mad man, he does it
squeezing every muscle in his body, he pops out of his armor before anything can pop out of him
he runs behind a tree and returns moments later
now, paladin's player speaks up
"how did you wipe"
lord above i did not want a response
fighter, however, was different
"i did not wipe"
and thus our paladin gave our fighter a bath
this is the ideal roleplaying scenario
you may not like it but this is what peak d&d looks like
- Why do humans suck?
- “Cowabunga it is” Paladin goes all out on my Barbarian during a “friendly” spar.
- Contemplating a rule, need input.
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