Dungeons & Dragons Online

DM has bad time management

Be me, elf boi ranger

Be not me, psychotic human rogue, robobro paladin, kinda new DM

DM makes huge space-magic world, different cultures and nations, complex histories and lore, with custom ship to ship combat

DM realizes that he has 3 hours for session prep

"fuck it, I'm stealing from Elder Scrolls"

"Party is aboard, uh, um, a slaver ship. Your objective is to escape or overthrow your captors."

We have only our clothes and no weapons.

There are like, 6 other slaves on board

After wandering the ship for 1 hour, we find that there are as many slavers as slaves

MFW all the slavers are giants, literally made of metal or rock

human rogue tries to assassinate two other slaves because she wants to adopt their children

wat no

1/3 or our allies are actually children

I convince the other slaves to help us overthrow the slavers

Our plan is to wait for an opportunity and beat them to death with our tiny fists

DM starts sweating bullets

DM spills spaghetti all of a sudden, "Uh, you notice one of the slavers, um, do a line of coke off of the bar. A, uh, key catches your eye."

Human Rogue sneaks over to slaver

DM remembers they have guard dogs with them. Guard dogs growl at slave approaching their somehow now sleeping master.


"I wanna distract the dogs, DM. I cast speak with animals"

DM shuffles pages. doesn't know that we know that they're blank.

"Ah, yes, the dogs move away from their master, intrigued"

Rogue grabs key

One of the slaves suddenly realizes where the key goes

"It's where they took our stuff!"


We grab our gear

Everyone, including DM, realize that a bunch of slaves coming out of the hold suddenly fully armed, would be noticed

Robobro is tired of DMs lack of preparation.

Leaves his gear.

"I wanna jump out the airlock."

"there's no airlock. It's a space galleon"

lol wut

"fine, I throw myself overboard"

DM starts sweating spaghetti

"Uh, the slavers call to one another and start trying to rope you back"

Slavers roll 18 to snare robobro


I snipe a slaver

Rest of slaves used hold action and attack at the same time

Last slaver ties down robobro's line to side and turns to face us

Robobro climbs last 15ft of rope and throws slaver overboard to suffocate in space

MFW party gained freedom

MFW DM realizes that there's still an hour and a half left of session

"uh, you see three ships jump into range"

what kind of ships

"uh… They're made out of… Bones. Big bones"


Robobro, remembers he's a paladin and suddenly recovered from his digital suicide attempt, rallies crew

"Man the cannons! Get into the crow's nest! Fight for your lives!"

DM sighs with relief

Party willing to do space pirate stuff for almost two hours

Party becomes officers

DM explains how ship combat works

Basically Gunners do all the attacks, Navigator gives bonuses to hit for crew, Engineer recharges special weapons

We realize that we only have enough crew and officers to use two of the giant galleon's guns

If we're flanked, we're fucked

Robobro knows what's up

"Don't worry lads, we'll broadside them first"

DM describes the big bad boners drawing closer, taking potshots with disadvantage because range

We hold actions until they come into range, take only light damage


Full salvo of cannons that shoot literal light

Kill one ship right off the bat

Other ship draws closer, shoots and hits us a bit harder, knocking a cannon off the other side

We give all our actions to support Robobro gunner

He shoots again, merking other ship

Definitely-not-necromongers sucks in the floating bodies of the slavers, then flees

We use space magic navigation to find bat where slavers were taking us

DM thinks we might actually follow his made up on the spot plot line

We go to some space station instead

DM pretends that was his plan all along

DM now has to prep space station session

Only time will tell if he preps the session or builds another space force faction


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