Be me, elf boi ranger
Be not me, psychotic human rogue, robobro paladin, kinda new DM
DM makes huge space-magic world, different cultures and nations, complex histories and lore, with custom ship to ship combat
DM realizes that he has 3 hours for session prep
"fuck it, I'm stealing from Elder Scrolls"
"Party is aboard, uh, um, a slaver ship. Your objective is to escape or overthrow your captors."
We have only our clothes and no weapons.
There are like, 6 other slaves on board
After wandering the ship for 1 hour, we find that there are as many slavers as slaves
MFW all the slavers are giants, literally made of metal or rock
human rogue tries to assassinate two other slaves because she wants to adopt their children
1/3 or our allies are actually children
I convince the other slaves to help us overthrow the slavers
Our plan is to wait for an opportunity and beat them to death with our tiny fists
DM starts sweating bullets
DM spills spaghetti all of a sudden, "Uh, you notice one of the slavers, um, do a line of coke off of the bar. A, uh, key catches your eye."
Human Rogue sneaks over to slaver
DM remembers they have guard dogs with them. Guard dogs growl at slave approaching their somehow now sleeping master.
"I wanna distract the dogs, DM. I cast speak with animals"
DM shuffles pages. doesn't know that we know that they're blank.
"Ah, yes, the dogs move away from their master, intrigued"
Rogue grabs key
One of the slaves suddenly realizes where the key goes
"It's where they took our stuff!"
We grab our gear
Everyone, including DM, realize that a bunch of slaves coming out of the hold suddenly fully armed, would be noticed
Robobro is tired of DMs lack of preparation.
Leaves his gear.
"I wanna jump out the airlock."
"there's no airlock. It's a space galleon"
"fine, I throw myself overboard"
DM starts sweating spaghetti
"Uh, the slavers call to one another and start trying to rope you back"
Slavers roll 18 to snare robobro
I snipe a slaver
Rest of slaves used hold action and attack at the same time
Last slaver ties down robobro's line to side and turns to face us
Robobro climbs last 15ft of rope and throws slaver overboard to suffocate in space
MFW party gained freedom
MFW DM realizes that there's still an hour and a half left of session
"uh, you see three ships jump into range"
what kind of ships
"uh… They're made out of… Bones. Big bones"
Robobro, remembers he's a paladin and suddenly recovered from his digital suicide attempt, rallies crew
"Man the cannons! Get into the crow's nest! Fight for your lives!"
DM sighs with relief
Party willing to do space pirate stuff for almost two hours
Party becomes officers
DM explains how ship combat works
Basically Gunners do all the attacks, Navigator gives bonuses to hit for crew, Engineer recharges special weapons
We realize that we only have enough crew and officers to use two of the giant galleon's guns
If we're flanked, we're fucked
Robobro knows what's up
"Don't worry lads, we'll broadside them first"
DM describes the big bad boners drawing closer, taking potshots with disadvantage because range
We hold actions until they come into range, take only light damage
Full salvo of cannons that shoot literal light
Kill one ship right off the bat
Other ship draws closer, shoots and hits us a bit harder, knocking a cannon off the other side
We give all our actions to support Robobro gunner
He shoots again, merking other ship
Definitely-not-necromongers sucks in the floating bodies of the slavers, then flees
We use space magic navigation to find bat where slavers were taking us
DM thinks we might actually follow his made up on the spot plot line
We go to some space station instead
DM pretends that was his plan all along
DM now has to prep space station session
Only time will tell if he preps the session or builds another space force faction
- That time a low cave ceiling caused a slave revolt and a bodycount
- How I made the “Shave and a hair cut two pence” tune into something sad.
- Proposed “Slavery” mechanic
More about Dungeons & Dragons OnlinePost: "DM has bad time management" specifically for the game Dungeons & Dragons Online. Other useful information about this game:
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