Dungeons & Dragons Online

Goonsquad Adventures, Episode 13: Return of the Kings

It's been a while since my last post due to life happening as well as the DM trying to figure out where the story is going without just coming up with one on the spot, which would lead to later retconning. I have put an episode list and cast of characters up front for those (aka everyone) who forgot.

Episode list: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12.

Cast of Characters (Present in Episode)

Biggus Dickus: Yours truly. The idiot savant sniper with more guns than hands and likely the source of Demetrius's ulcer.

Demetrius Bridges: The mad robot scientist who wants to engineer and design the world, owner of many vehicles. Leader of the Metalmen.

Micoxafloppin: The Mad Grenadier. An explosives expert wearing crotchless and assless chaps and a bandolier of grenades. Resident lighthouse fighter

Leroy Jenkins: DMPC who is the voice of reason and stability. As a result of the party's shenanigans, is even more of an alcoholic than before. NCR veteran who wants to drink away the painful memories of the war out west.

Sentinel Owens: DMPC, Paladin Dad, Definitely not Paladin Danse. Brotherhood of Steel representative assisting us on our quest to locate the lost Vault 0.

Cast of Characters (Not Present for Session)

Genji: Weab character with wakazashi, shurikens, and psychic potential.

Locus Pocus: the party's diplomat who convinces people into doing his bidding through the sheer power of awkwardness

Naughtius Maximus: unproven party member with a flamethrower

Subject 14: DMPC + Player character combo, the psychic anchor for Genji and what keeps him from taking 5 million mental damage at any given moment.

Part 0

After 1 to 2 years of a hiatus, everyone is just trying to remember where we left off.

Good thing someone took notes, right?

Cue a few minutes of random bullshittery

Decide to start back with us trying to upload data on a holotape to a computer

Sentinel Owens tried to explain what he's trying to do

Ragequits trying to help us because we are being intentionally dumb

Demetrius tries to hack into the network, but fails to do so

Biggus Dickus insists he knows what to do, attempts to insert the holotape upside down, backwards and at an angle

The crowd goes mild upon failure

Micoxafloppin to the rescue: he walks up and types "username" and "password" with expert success

Demetrius tries to figure out what the scren is saying, but critically fails (as is tradition for Demetrius)

Smoke starts to come out of the back of the computer

Demetrius goes to fix the computer by removing the case and adjusting its insides


It's super effective

The computer fainted

Now we have to rely on Demetrius to remember the numbers on screen as they appeared otherwise, we have no way of knowing what it said

Good thing Demetrius is fully mechanical and cyborg except for a thumb

Find out the coordinates are located 50 miles offshore, which requires a submersible to access

Part 1: The party splits

The party splits due to differing objectives: Demetrius wants to find a submersible he can purchase so he doesn't have to build one. Micoxafloppin wants to recover his grenade launcher that was lost from a previous session (so he thinks)

Leroy goes with Demetrius to avoid the inevitable stupidity involved in the Biggus Dickus + Micoxafloppin combo

Part 1A: Grenade Launcher Recovery

Biggus Dickus and Micoxafloppin now have to decide which vehicle to take

Wanted to take the M1 Abrams, but the hatches are locked with genetic padlocks that will only open for Demetrius

Attempt to pick the lock anyways, but the leader of the robotic Men of Iron marches over to me and says "Yeah, the tank says fuck off"

Settle on a humvee with an avenger minigun

Slight player rambling: when I heard avenger minigun the first time, my mind jumped to an A-10 as those have the GAU-8 Avenger minigun, which fires 40mm rounds. I thought we were just driving around in an A-10 on wheels, physics and structural integrity of the Humvee be damned.

Have to decide which of us will "drive" this vehicle, despite neither of us having anywhere near a decent Pilot skill

Biggus is driving and Micoxafloppin is on the normal sized Avenger minigun

Take off out of our base and drive in the direction someone pointed "Yeah, someone saw a grenade launcher a few miles that way"

Come across a chainlink fence with a semi-opaque canvas covering it, only allowing silhouettes to be seen

Roll a perception and see "human shape figures with lumpy heads"

Decide recon by fire is the best course of action, stick head and rifle out of the window to use the scope for better sight

"Shooter, go to glass. Fire on the fence line at will"


Gun starts to run away (won't stop firing)


Hear a whistling sound and see a mushroom cloud 100 yards in front of me, hear yelling after the sound returns to my ears

"Reload and fire again, this time, don't let it run away"

See an Officer Gutsy charging the vehicle. Micoxafloppin immediately Swiss cheeses him

Micoxafloppin has announced that he's incredibly excited from firing a minigun and is still not wearing pants. While standing right next to me. While I am seated.

Actively avoid looking anywhere to the right

Another mushroom cloud lands 25 yards to the left

Slam the shifter into reverse and un-ass the area, leaving the Officer Gutsies in the dust

Part 1B: Meanwhile, Demetrius

Demetrius and Leroy have taken a vertibird back to Harborton, home of the Multiple McKinnons

Check in their weapons as is usual business and make their way to the armory

Inquire about the inventory of submersibles, which they do have in stock

1 military grade submarine and 1 James Cameron

James Cameron

Demetrius asks about the military submarine cost, full knowing that spending time in cramped quarters with an idiot and a naked grenadier is just asking for trouble

McKinnon says it's in the millions (which would likely destroy the local economy if anyone ever actually rolled up with that many caps)

Demetrius says he's missing pretty much all of that money and says that he's just gonna salvage and/or build one

Contacts the Naval Satellite he has established a link with because robotalking

Learns that the Newport News Naval Yard is within flying distance and had some ships docked there pre-nuke

Takes off in the vertibird with Leroy to go scout out potential projects

Upon arrival, they have decided what order of salvaging to prioritize as there is a destroyer, an aircraft carrier, and a variety of other salvageables

Part 2: Micoxafloppin does a science

Still separated from Demetrius and Leroy, Biggus Dickus and Micoxafloppin have pulled over far from the Officer Gutsies to catch their breath

Unfortunately for Micoxafloppin, wearing no clothing and sticking half out of a Humvee can have some adverse side effects

Side effects such as taking a massive dose of radiation should a miniature nuke explode nearby, specifically 250 rads of damage

In our fallout ruleset, 1000 rads means you're just dead and potentially ghoulified, but that has yet to be determined

Hear a knock on the driver's side door

HEAVILY contemplate answering it with the business end of a Garand

Turn head slowly to see the Wasteland's Gandalf

"Excuse me sonny, why are you parked on my home?"

Give a confused look and slowly reach for my rifle

Shout at him "YOU SHALL NOT PASS"

He explains that in our desperation to put distance between the Officer Gutsies and our asses, we parked directly on top of a grate, which leads to his underground home

Yes, that's a totally normal thing to experience in the wastelands

Apologize and move the car off of his home, lo and behold, there was actually a hatch

Feel a bit like a dick for contemplating blasting this guy without second question

Micoxafloppin says that we're looking for a grenade launcher and it was around here somewhere

Old Man Jenkins mentions that he does have a grenade launcher, but we need to participate in his science experiment first

Micoxafloppin instantly says deal and starts almost bouncing in place at the excitement of being able to make things go boom again

Follow Old Man Jenkins into his underground lab despite hearing mom's voice in my head nagging me not to follow strange old men into sketchy locations

Old Man Jenkins explains that he's been working on teleportation, but he hasn't perfected it yet

Tells Micoxafloppin to stand on the center pad while he works out the final math

"Do I carry the 1 or the 2? Now what about this variable here?"

Hear some super suspicious math and am thankful I have no need for a grenade launcher

See a bright light and when it fades, a distinct lack of Micoxafloppin

Turns out he did get teleported, ~150 feet away from the hatch above ground

At a cost

He comes back downstairs, collects his grenade launcher, and we leave

If you ever have the option of going up some stairs with a dude wearing crotchless and assless chaps, make sure you're first in line

Biggus Dickus experienced something new today. He saw pumpkin where a man's ass should be

Give a little pinch. Yup, that's pumpkin

Turns out, in the bad math, a pumpkin got involved in the teleport and ended up replacing Micoxafloppin's ass

Part 3: The Reunion

We have all returned to the fort and Micoxafloppin goes to the medical bay for treatment for his super sunburn as well as other problems he is not yet aware of

MedicalBot informs him "Sir, you have pumpkins as asscheeks. We will be performing a double ass-ectomy"

Leroy has entered the medical bay to inform us that we will be shoving off to go to the Newport News Naval Yard to salvage and bring back anything that is not nailed down (or anchored in this case)

Sees Micoxafloppin and his pumpkin ass

Declares he is too sober for this shit and pulls out his flask

Takes the longest swig from what seems to be a bottomless flask

Leaves before he has to witness the world's first pumpkinized ass-ectomy

Turns out, even with scientific advancements, robotic surgeons aren't perfect

Micoxafloppin now sits a bit left leaning due to mismatch cheek sizes

Part 4: The Salvage

Finally shove off to loot the naval yard

If it's not nailed down, we're going to try to take it

Attempt to sing sea shanties during the uneventful sail

What would you do with a pumpkin sailor? What would you do with a pumpkin sailor?

Remove his ass with a rusty razor, remove his ass with a rusty razor

Time for a good old game of Operation on a submarine's nuclear reactor

What could possibly go wrong?

Begin trying to diagnose what's going on, make a few science rolls, see that parts aren't properly plugged in, some of the wires are fucked, you know, normal reactor maintenance problems

Hear sirens go off and take stock of everyone's position

Turns out Micoxafloppin has pushed a few too many buttons and the submarine is beginning to submerge


Now we're trying to prevent ourselves from dying and unsink the sub at the same time

Leroy and I have resigned ourselves to a sealed compartment

Leroy has started drinking from his flask again

Seriously, how many flasks does this guy have?

Micoxafloppin has taken a seat in the admiral's chair, legs wrapped around the base, both hands desperately trying to keep an oxygen mask on his face

Demetrius is trying to stabilize and ultimately defuck the situation

He manages to save us from an early visit to Davy Jones and comes to our compartment to let us know everything is as fine as it's gonna be

Micoxafloppin walks in after, his face is as excited as can be (among other parts)

"That was the best high I've ever had"

Proceed to purple nurple him so hard that he enters cardiac arrest

Bring him to the medical bot, who gives him 200mg of ibuprofen and calls it a job well done

This was the end of the session, but Micoxafloppin's player has requested that I put in a summary of his character's life so far.

Part 5: The Story of Micoxafloppin

Meets a group of wastelanders who accept him into their group

Agrees to join them, but threatens to burn down a shop and its keeper on the way out

Makes explosive bolts for a harpoon gun and uses them on a Kraken

Arrives on 3 mile island and sees movement in a lighthouse

Fires multiple 40mm grenades into the lighthouse at the movement he saw

Needs to move on with his life, so he swears he will return to destroy that lighthouse

Joins the party in the bunker, shit hits the fan literally, he shits himself and then slips in it, leaving a 6 foot skidmark on his way down a ramp

While sliding, proceeds to fumble in firing his grenade launcher, exploding it in his and Biggus's face like a Looney Tunes character

Passes out after

Wakes up in the medical bay and catches wind of a grenade launcher far away, takes off sprinting like a madman before remembering he can take a vehicle

Goes on a crusade with a humvee and its minigun which is interrupted by a fence hiding lumpy people

Gets an aggressive sunburn

Meets Gandalf of the Wasteland and gets teleported

Receives pumpkin as an ass

Gets a double ass-ectomy

Gets a large dose of aloe vera to his sunburn

Goes on a salvaging mission and realizes that disconnected hoses and a lack of coolant will stop a nuclear reactor from working

Decides that the best solution is to use the ballasts to descend the submarine

Begins drowning before clutching an oxygen mask to his face while everyone else plays problem solver

Announces it was the best high he ever had

Gets purple nurpled until he passes out from the pain, adrenaline shock, and some amount of cardiac arrest

Somehow, hasn't been killed by the wasteland or allies

*TL;DR: *

Part 0: It takes 3 people to log into a computer and even then, it wasn't all that successful

Part 1: Party splits up

Part 1A: Biggus and Micoxafloppin fight some Officer Gutsies who are nuke happy

Part 1B: Demetrius and Leroy try to figure out where they're going to acquire a submersible of some form

Part 2: Micoxafloppin gets teleported and now has pumpkin for asscheeks

Part 3: Party comes back together and begins the salvaging operation

Part 4: Party almost drowns so one member can get high

Part 5: Micoxafloppin's life story challenges the stupidity of Biggus Dickus


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