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Loss of a Group, Contemplating Leaving, DMing and Depression, Advice?

Content of the article: "Loss of a Group, Contemplating Leaving, DMing and Depression, Advice?"

I'm starting to doubt whether I want to be a DM or not. Frankly, I'm starting to wonder if I can consider this group of people to be friends or just 'DnD coworkers.' My 'group' is the marriage of two of my DND campaigns, along with one of the player's personal friends. We've known each other for 6 months, but through this pandemic, It feels like much longer and throughout the time I figured that with how often we talked, we must be friends. We'd play Among Us, and DND weekly, even opened a Minecraft Realm for the crew so we could play together.

It was all going well until I got sick, it actually was COVID (My mom's fault, she goes to the gym and gave it to me.. I literally work and do nothing else besides seeing my partner weekly) and during that time I had postponed sessions, missed out on Among Us games, and was basically unable to participate to the extent that I was prior to being sick. Since that time, I've honestly been different. I've felt so depressed, this feeling of just the most intense feeling of being lost and empty. I must admit, I stopped prepping and basically ran every session fully unprepared. The quality of the games suffered because of this of course. Additionally, I stopped coordinating the extra activities we did. And now our once active community is basically always dead.

That would be fine, everyone sort of shored up their investment when I did, totally understandable.. except now it seems like every chance I take to rouse conversation, excite with new assets or ideas, rekindle our weekly Among Us nights, etc… in the group it fails.

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I've also started taking on a lot more hours and so as a result I put one of my games on hiatus. When I reached out to that group specifically about needing to take a break for mental health/lack of time to prepare for it, only one player responded wishing me the best and that of course we'd all still be friends. The rest gave… silence. A gutshot, to say the least.

And tbh… I don't feel like a friend lately. I get that people are busy, that's one thing, and I don't want to sound like they owe me but I can't help but feel like with the hours I put into the games I run and the effort I once invested into the cultivation of our fun times, I just wish someone, anyone would give me the light of day and engage in conversation with me.

What is the point of spending hours of my life, denying myself oftentimes, adequate sleep, time with my partner, or just time to breathe, while working 50 hours a week and going to school full time, if I can't get so much as a "wow the new map looks great!"

My point is, I don't want to do this anymore. Not for this group. For the group, I had, more than anything. I'm just lost for words because I feel like I had it all and now it's gone.

I feel like I'm at square one but I can't bring myself to keep putting myself out there for nothing.

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Should I confront them? Should I just admit to myself and accept that this group isn't what I thought it was? Am I just some ungrateful twat who doesn't know what they're talking about? I could really use some outside perspective on this. I don't think any one of them is a bad person at all. I just feel like I am sapping myself dry for people who are indifferent to me. Idk maybe it's just depression speaking… I just have no clue where to go from here.

One thing that I should make clear is that I'm not a person who is normallly afraid to be vulnerable. They know I've been struggling with my mental health. They also know that I've been working a lot.

TL;DR I got sick, got a little lazy, and now it feels like I can't bring the energy back to where it used to be. Should I just throw in the towel? What would you do?

Source: reddit.com

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