Content of the article: "The best club is the one that bites its enemies and follows its master like a pet"
Be the campaign: same one as in one of my previous posts.
Be me: completely inconsequential to this post, but basically an ordinary cat turned OP assassin. Called Kitty because I forgot to fill out the character name section on my sheet, so the DM named my character.
Be not me the 1st: Urrg, a Chaotic Good Troll Barbarian with less Int and Wis than a potato (total between the two was 8), but more Str and Con than a goddamn panzer (33 total). The MC of this post.
Be not me the 2nd: the DM, who is very good at improvising and loves having his players do out-of-the-box thinking and getting into hilarious shenanigans because of it. Also really overplans things, many of which never come to pass because, say, nobody tries to mess with the (cursed) hinges of the door. That being said, he's really good at guiding the players to his planned path without forcing us.
Be not me the 3rd: everyone else, who also don't really matter much.
If I have to refer to a player instead of their PC, it'll be the PC's name in square brackets, like
Okay, now that that's out of the way, we had just cleared a cult's blood temple of most of its cultists, and we wanted to tear the whole thing down. Urrg, in his infinite wisdom, decides that the best way to do that is to destroy the central pillar (a doric column), and so charges at the thing as if he wanted to either bear-hug it or body slam it. He opts for the former.
DM: *rummages through piles of notes while muttering* "I wrote that as a joke… where is it…"
Players: *looks at one another with expressions saying what did we just get ourselves into?*
DM: "Okay, roll strength"
DM: "Uhh… sure. The lower half of the column cleanly separates from the top half and the base under the force of your arms. It slams against the floor, shattering a few of the tiles. Nothing happens to the column that you can see besides a large quantity of dried blood flakes and dust being knocked off of its surface"
DM: "It's surprisingly light, for a four meter long slab of stone"
DM: "As Urrg suplexed the column, you could see a pair of eyes and a mouth filled with sharp teeth appear on it, which tried to bite Urrg's head. However, it got a mouthful of stone tiles instead, and its mouth closed while its eyes had a dazed, half-lidded look from the force of the slam on the ground"
DM: "Let's call
Urrg: "Urrg like new club. It more bigger as Urrg current one. Urrg keeping new club"
Party: *reaches for dice*
DM: *sighs* "Somehow, your 'new club' takes no visible damage while breaking pillars seemingly made from the same material, and now the place is beginning to shake. Nine cultists, alarmed by the noise, rush out of hidden entrances in the walls. Roll initiative"
(skip to midway through the fight, because Urrg missed more than once)
DM: "Hit. roll for damage"
DM: "Ah, right, 1d8+3+bonuses, so for you, that's 1d8+5+1d4. That's bludgeoning damage. Additionally, there's a chance of an additional effect. This time, roll 1d8-2 piercing damage"
As this is happening, the rest of us are just waiting for the mimic to attack us, or rather, attack Urrg, as he's the only one in range. But it doesn't. After the end of the encounter, the session ends, and the DM hands
1d8+3+bonuses bludgeoning damage
Additional effect: if hit die rolls ≤10 before bonuses, no additional effect. If ≤15, does 1d8 piercing damage, minus the difference between the roll and 15. If >15, does 1d8+2 piercing damage and 1d4 acid damage. Additional effect cannot activate two turns in a row.
Over time, the party stops being quite so wary of the mimic, and eventually, while Urrg is asleep, we go to have a conversation with it.
Dante: "So, who or what are you?"
Mimic: "You finally figured it out, eh? I'm a mimic. My name is… haaa… Collie…"
Dante: "No, we knew you were something for a while, but… didn't have enough trust that you wouldn't bite us to talk. Anyways, how'd you get that name?"
Mimic: "Well, I'm a column… so I was called Column… and then it got turned into a sorta diminutive form"
Kitty: "I know your pain. My name is-"
Mimic: "Kitty, I know. So, what'd you want to talk to me about? Surely it wasn't just to ask my name, right?"
Lance: "Well, why're you staying with us? Why are you content being Urrg's weapon? Why haven't you made yourself known to Urrg?"
Mimic: "I'm a pragmatist, I guess. Urrg feeds me more than I'd normally be able to eat, so I'm fine staying with you and being used as a weapon. For the last question, I wanted to stay low-key so you wouldn't try to kill me"
Kitty: "You know, Urrg is so stupid that you could act less inanimate and he still wouldn't notice"
Sure enough, I was right. Urrg didn't notice that, from then on, his "club" didn't need to be carried, and would instead sprout tentacle-leg-things to walk by his side whenever not in combat or in town. We started gathering corpses to feed Collie at night after each fight, which Urrg thought was just to gather more corpses for Dante to turn into undead under his command. Even at the very end of the campaign, Urrg still didn't know about Collie being anything other than a "really good whacking stick".
TLDR: Dumb troll tames mimic without realizing it.
- Players caught me fudging enemy damage – what should I do?
- The Piercer feat in the new UA synergizes really well with higher level Barbarians and Half-Orc Martial characters, and potentially provides a good reason for said characters to use a pike.
- One of the members of my party is always trying really hard to “win D&D”.
© Post "The best club is the one that bites its enemies and follows its master like a pet" for game Dungeons & Dragons Online.
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