Context: Each player gains a free wish spell whenever it’s their birthday.
My monk has a home-brew ability to make a Chidori/Lightning Blade.
In this campaign the DM previously stated that lightning damage increases in water.
In a previous session the artificer shot a dolphin at 300 ft., on a flying ship, with a revolver. This angered the dolphin mafia and we had to give them a portion of Atlantean ore we found in some underwater ruins to appease them.
The bardlock has a flying ship.
- Be me, Ranger/Monk of unknown race.
- Be not me, Warforged Artificer, Sea-Elf Bard/Warlock (Bardlock), V.Human Hunter (Homebrew class), Dragonborn Fighter/Samurai, Tabaxi Monk.
- The party is fighting pirates on the shore of an island.
- The Warforged turns the Tabaxi into a giant ape.
- Monkey cat starts wreaking havoc on the shore and making his way to the pirates’ ship.
- Monkey climbs up to the pirates’ ship.
- I’m hidden inside a pile of corpses in the shore.
- My turn comes, I fly with winged boots above the water.
- I activate Lightning Blade.
- I dip the Lightning Blade into the water to shock the pirates in the water.
- DM says: Roll 20d6.
- 74 Damage.
- 2 dead pirates in the water pop like eggs in a microwave. 1 immediately gets charred and dies while trying to climb up to a small boat.
- Hundreds of dead fish start rising from the water.
- Several corpses of dolphins start rising from the water.
- Everyone panics.
- The corpse of a baby kraken starts rising from the water.
- Everyone panics harder.
- The captain of the pirates’ ship sees this and immediately calls for a cease-fire.
- The pirate captain tries to negotiate with the monkey, it didn’t work.
- I fly to the pirates’ boat to talk with the captain.
- The captain congratulates me on the aquatic genocide I committed and tells me we have about 4 minutes to flee from Mama Kraken.
- I panic.
- The Monkey tries to break the mast of the pirates’ ship so that Mama Kraken attacks them first.
- The hunter is trying to get on the ship to steal the captain’s gun.
- The Artificer and Bardlock are screaming at us to get back on our ship.
- I apologize to the captain.
- The Monkey grabs the Hunter and jumps to the flying ship.
- I apologize again and fly to our ship.
- The druid NPC on our ship is pissed.
- I have now been limited to the words “I’m sorry”.
- DM says I now have a -1 to Animal Handling and Nature, and that my alignment changes to Neutral-Evil.
- I convince the DM to give me the Chaotic Stupid alignment.
- Mama kraken appears.
- Mama kraken jump and grabs our ship.
- Everyone panics.
- Artificer attempts to use his wish.
- I stop him and use my wish instead.
- I use the birthday wish to time-travel ten seconds before I dipped the lightning in the water.
- My character blinks and is now back at the beach.
- I look at myself hiding in the pile of corpses.
- The artificer and the Samurai now see two of me. The artificer decides to ignore whatever bullshit I’m up to now, while the Samurai didn’t even see me hide in the pile of corpses when I rolled stealth for it.
- I lunge into the pile of corpses where past me is hiding.
- I accidentally jump-scare past me and he punches me.
- I grab past me by the shoulders and scream “NO LIGHTNING IN THE WATER NO LIGHTNING IN THE WATER!”.
- Past me somehow vaguely understands what’s happening with an intelligence of 9 thanks to a nat20 int. check.
- I order past me to instead get in the monkey’s hand so that he can thrown him at the pirate captain.
- Past me likes the idea.
- Future me also likes the idea.
- Both of us get in the monkey’s hand.
- The monkey doesn’t understand but throws both of us anyway.
- Future me starts feeling some form of magic around him.
- Future me panics and flies up to get as far away as possible.
- Time Stops around future me.
- I see the cosmos condensing into a humanoid shape.
- Oh No.
- What I assume is a god starts speaking to me.
- The god tells me that I broke the laws of time and that I’m now being judged.
- The god says “You have one minute to state your case, and be aware you are under all magic zones: Anti-magic zone, zone of truth…”.
- I interrupt the god with “pleaseIdidn’tknowIjustwantedtokillthepiratesI’mreallysorry!”
- What I now know is the fucking God Of Time says: “Really, you apologize and grovel like the lowest of mongrels?”
- I say “Yes. I’m really stupid. I’m sorry it was an accident I swear!”
- “You commit aquatic genocide and brake the laws of time by accident, are you that colossally stupid?”
- “And how do you think you can make up for it.”
- “Do you…have someone that needs punching? I can punch real good.”
- The Time God considers.
- “Well, even with your limited time abilities you somehow pulled a Wish spell…out of your ass. So be it. Come with me, you still have much to learn.”
- I feel as my mind becomes one with the cosmos and my physical body disappears into space dust.
- I now work for the God Of Time to redeem myself for my crimes against the laws of time and all aquatic life while past me continues on his adventures.
More about Dungeons & Dragons OnlinePost: "The Fishpocalypse, Time-Travel, and becoming a Time-Cop." specifically for the game Dungeons & Dragons Online. Other useful information about this game:
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