Dungeons & Dragons Online

The Glorious Thunderbarrel


CONTENT WARNING: spoilers for Baldur's Gate: Descent into Avernus

  • be me halfling rogue Roscoe Goodbarrel
  • be not me party of several charisma-based characters
  • great characters and great players, best campaign possible
  • most of them are not relevant right now except for Female Paladin Athena
  • near end of our quest, we have to go find the sword of Zariel to save the day
  • before that, we decide to do a quick stop to Mahadi's Store
  • it's a travelling store and the "only safe place in hell"
  • it actually is safe as long as you don't fuck up
  • we don't fuck up so we're good
  • we start moving on board of our infernal war machine, Thunderbarrel, that I've been driving for most of the campaign
  • "I'm driving and I paid for the new paint, I get to name the damn thing!"
  • feeling like Han Solo and his Falcon
  • anyway we are near to Mahadi's place when DM rolls for mishaps
  • "you drive across a large pool of mud that blocks your infernal machine's tracks and prevents you from moving"
  • OhShitMyBaby.avi
  • we try every single trick in the book to get Thunderbarrel back on moving
  • she's not moving
  • I'm not abandoning my little girl
  • Athena be like: "how far are we from Mahadi's store?"
  • DM: "half an hour on foot"
  • I look at her with death in my eyes
  • "you would never"
  • "observe"
  • FP gets out of the vehicle
  • she's getting a bath and her hair done and anything that gets in her way will be a dead creature
  • in her defense all those things grants you an hour of advantage on ability checks and attack rolls so she's not being as bitchy as rather strategic
  • still heartbroken
  • rest of the party follow her shortly after
  • more heartbroken
  • ImGoingDownWithMyShip.jpg
  • now alone what to do
  • sudden realization that I still have a bottle of demonic ichor, collected it from a giant pool eariler in the campaign
  • demons generate this highly energetic liquid when they die that can mutate your body if you touch it directly
  • DM told us you can use it to empower an infernal machine but overusing it can damage its engine
  • nothing to lose nothing to fear
  • me: "I throw the entire bottle inside of Thunderbarrel's engine and then I put my entire weight on the pedal!"
  • dead silence
  • DM goes for a deep sigh, then rolls a few times behind his cover
  • if I die with my Thunderbarrell I'll die happy
  • after a long pause, DM goes: "You pour the whole bottle of demonic ichor inside of your infernal machine and then press the pedal. For a few istants, nothing seems to change. Then, out of the blue, your car produces this ear-shattering roar and intense flames comes out of all pipes"
  • OhGodWhatHaveIDone.doc
  • rest of the party stop and turn around to see what's that sound
  • Athena keeps her unyielding march towards hygiene
  • DM continues: "immediately after, you are bind against the seat by the strongest push you've ever felt, as the infernal machine jumps ahead with immense violence and accelleration; your compaions are, luckily, just barely brushed by the immense tank, which has never shown such speed before."
  • Athena inserts herself in the description: "despite the machine getting dangerously close to me, I maintain my stoic composure and keep walking towards the store"
  • Me: "in the short frame where the car is next to Female Paladin, I have my face pushed against the window next to the driver seat and look at her with the utmost fear ever shown" (see picture)
  • FP: I. Do. Not. Flinch.
  • if we get alive out of this hell I'm gonna marry this girl
  • spoiler: I did not, for she sacrificed her soul to save the day
  • godspeed Athena you're gone but not forgotten
  • back to the story, the entire table is losing their collective shit as the DM continues his description
  • DM: "as Thunderbarrel touches the ground again, the incredible speed makes you lose control of it. You start rolling around, crashing and producing an enormous cloud of dust that is so thicc it completely hides you from the eyes of your friends…"
  • Me: "Am I dead?"
  • DM: "…but as soon as the cloud lifts, they see the scraps of what used to be a perfectly working infernal machine and, on top of said corpse, the chirpy figure of a smol halfling. What is your statement?"
  • HolyShitISurvived.kek
  • I look around the table, scraping the depth of my head for inspiration
  • got something
  • I look down, Athena is right next to me, with the most incomprehensible look on her face
  • "…are you done?"
  • "Yeah. I'm good. Let's go find somebody that can patch up my baby-"
  • we eventually managed to keep riding my beloved infernal machine to the very end of the campaign
  • godspeed Thunderbarrel you're gone but not forgotten
Read more:  My strategy for designing a Dungeon (or other location).


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