Dungeons & Dragons Online

The Greatest Guardswoman Who Ever Lived: Clown Shoes and Massive Amounts of Friendly Fire

Be me

Picking up where: https://www.reddit.com/r/DnDGreentext/comments/mevyt7/the_greatest_guardswoman_who_ever_lived_a/ left off

GM decrees we'll have some downtime and social encounters as the ship transits to our next deployment

Red is hanging around a shuttle bay with Bojam, one of our sanctioned beastmen

Bojam was a melee badass whom Red may have accidentally shot in the back during the city fight

Bojam's previous character was a Salvar Chemdog whom Matilda executed after he spit roasted a haunch of Rat Ogre and ate it in a story I forgot to mention in the previous part

Bojam is filling out his 'Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer; Coloring Book Edition', Red is helping

Be not me

Be Haines, batshit insane Armageddon Steel Legionnaire and one of our senior officers

Haines approaches and declares he has brought us presents

Hands Bojam a red nose ball that makes a honking sound when squeezed

Hands Red a pair of giant rainbow patterned shoes

"There, now you have the proper equipment since you want to act like FUCKING CLOWNS! GO SEE THE COMMISSAR!"

Haines heads off to give a a hand drawn Clown License to one of the other Troopers, Bojam asks if he can have Red's shoes

Such is life with Haines

Commissar Matilda interrogates the squad about what happened to Jaimee

Squad members are each individually clueless and blame the event on 'Psyker bullshit'

Commissar deems the risk of chaos corruption among the unit minimal and life goes on without further incident

Red and Matilda get acquainted with each other, discussing Six's death and their previous service

Turns out Matilda used to serve with a Krieg regiment before being merged into this one and sympathizes with Red's cynicism towards the waste of Guard lives

Red becomes increasingly suspicious but the pair seem to develop something of a rapport before the meeting ends

Be me, stuck with a poor quality bionic leg that barely works, this is a problem for a melee fighter due to heavy penalties to movement and dodge

Scheming how to get it upgraded or replaced, luckily I know someone much more important than I am

Red goes and visits Lieutenant Cassius in his office

Cassius is immediately suspicious for obvious reasons

Agrees to sign the necessary paperwork on Red's behalf in an attempt to make her less defiant to his orders where threats have failed

Red steals his hat out of spite for talking down to her

Cassius stares at her in disbelief as she leaves

Little bitch runs and cries to the Commissar about it

Matilda berates him for not being capable of handling the situation himself before reluctantly summoning some Steel Legion Stormtroopers and Kasrkins for backup and venturing into the Repentant's nest

With most of the Chemdogs dead the Repentant have come to dominate the other Penal Legions and all four of them have make their home in a nondescript cargo bay

The criminals put in a bare minimum amount of effort to cover up the illegal activities going on within as the Commissar Doom Squad rolls through and pretends not to notice

Red is found, wearing Cassius' hat, deep within the hive of scum and villainy

"Really? The fucking Commissar? You bitch."

Matilda declares that an example must be set, but in light of Red's exceptional service in the prior campaign, and the fact that she's already been sentenced to die and wears a bomb collar, the sentence will be the minimum

40 lashes at the hands of the wronged officer

Neither Red nor her goons are stupid enough to openly fight the Commissar, especially backed up by the regiment's Heavy Infantry elements, and she is dragged off

Despite being an incredibly tough and grizzled veteran, Red screams like a bitch in front of most of the regiment

Matilda quietly berates Cassius after the fact for not being able to handle the situation himself and points out that by involving the Commissariat and escalating the incident he has damaged relations with the Penal Legions that currently make up between 33 and 45% of the entire regiment

Warns him to do better in the future before carrying Red to the medicae temple

Red recovers fairly quickly but her back is now a mess of scar tissue and ruined tattoos

Seems to have lost her fighting spirit and walks around aimlessly

Morale in general hits an all time low, between the exterminatus and the infighting

Enter Talvi

Talvi is an Enginseer and part of the regiment's Mechanicus attache, likes her Servitors a bit too much, weirds everyone out in general but very friendly and an excellent cook

No, seriously, she's a fucking amazing cook

Talvi however has no idea where to get butter, milk or sugar on a warpship

Enlists Red to provide the ingredients because 'Hey, Penal Legionnaires are good at finding stuff, right?'

Red hands the task off to her ever loyal comrade; Skip

Skip is a man whose sleezy seems to effuse into an aura around him, staining the very air and walls with his greaseball slime, and not the 'friendly, magnanimous but ruthless and cutthroat mobboss' slime Six had going for him, Skip was the kind of dirtbag you'd expect to find selling meth outside your local middleschool

For some reason no one other than the Penal Legions trusted Skip

Despite the fact that we were on an Imperial Navy Battlecruiser, in warp transit, Skip 'knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy' and kicks off a very profitable working relationship with Talvi

Shortly thereafter the large surplus of butterscotch making its way into everyone's rations somewhat improves the morale situation

Alarm klaxons wail

Ship PA declares an emergency dewarp to respond to a distress signal

All hands to battlestations

Guardsmen are summoned for a rescue mission and ordered to attend a special briefing on boarding actions

Red is the only one to actually show up to the briefing as all the other PCs get distracted by a Petty Officer whom they think is in charge due to not knowing Imperial Navy ranks

Exasperated Naval Officer speedruns through the briefing; board crippled warpship, save any crew or passengers we can find, get out, don't die

Red half mumbles a response before being shoved out of the office

Finds the rest of the idiots bumming around a shuttle bay, Petty Officer is running through his preflight checklist

Nearby Naval Crewman turns to his comrade and asks when 'Fish' got his flight permits back

I can already smell how well this mission is going to go

Just when I think this situation can not possibly get any worse someone starts screaming something about that being the wrong shuttle

'Fish' ignores them and takes off

Red remains completely silent through this affair, is pretty confident the God-Emperor has officially forsaken her

A few minutes later 'Fish' succeeds in crashlanding the shuttle into the wrong hanger on the wrong deck of the target ship

Squad is now effectively stranded

Cassius declares we'll improvise and pushes the squad to keep moving

We begin aimlessly searching through corridors of the ship with no idea where we are, where our targets are, what we're up against or how to get back afterwards

Find Orks and begin a slow battle through the corridors

Battle is not going very well, Orks are tough, we can't hit for shit and wounds are starting to pile up

Cassius is somehow shot in the back twice, once with a lasgun that fails to pierce his armor, the second time with an anti-material rifle that punches a fist sized hole is his gut and he's forced to burn fate

Now, you might think that failing hard enough to shoot your fellow PC and commanding officer in the back with a gun capable of killing a small tank is the ultimate friendly fire incident

You would be wrong

This event would be followed mere seconds later by The Friendly Fire Incident

Notice how 'The' is both emphasized and capitalized, this is because whatever friendly fire incidents may have already occured or may occur in the future, none will top this one

One of our plucky and desperate Guardsmen, in his limitless and God-Emperor granted super-intelligence, throws a frag grenade at the Orks

The Orks about a third of us are in melee with

With chunky salsa rules in effect


Rolls damn near maximum damage




Successfully kills all of the Orks, and about half the party, everyone whose left is forced to burn fate and about half of them are combat incapable

In one attack this man has reduced the squad's combat capabilities to one quarter in one of the first combats of the session

Cassius blows fucker's brains out

Also shoots the person who shot him with the rifle for good measure

Rest of the Squad is unwilling or unable to stop him

Friendly Fire Counter: ~25

PC Death Counter: ~15

Squad pieces themselves back together, mostly thanks to the stupidly high medicae skills of Doc Scratch and the cryptic Priest Jonah, and pushes onward

Find ourselves some survivors who fill us in on their story

Ship got attacked by a Freeboota Kroozer, they managed to bait it into warping away but it'll come back to finish the job soon

Get directions to the last known location of the ship's senior crew

Sounds of gunfire and explosions can be heard elsewhere in the ship, evidently we aren't the only ones who've run into the damned Greenskins

We find the Captain and convince him to evacuate after a brief standoff, bolstered by him and his guards we manage to cut our way through the Orks back to friendly lines in time for the evaccuation

Problem, the shuttle we came here on is in a completely different location because our pilot was an idiot

Also that shuttle is fucked

One shuttle remains yet to take off, a large force of Death Korps of Krieg troopers mill around arguing over whether to follow cowardly orders to retreat or to die in a heroic last stand here on the ship

Cassius and the other talky types try to convince them to stay behind while we evac with the senior Crew

Fail spectacularly

Two PC's, a Mordant Acid Dog and a Krieger iirc, take matters into their own hands and gun down one of the Kriegers in favor of following their orders

The rest of the Kriegers rush to man the hanger defenses and die gloriously like the stupid, delusional cunts they are

Red meanwhile, finally snaps out of her depressed reverie at this display and lunges at the Acid Dog who just murdered a comrade in cold blood

Nearly succeeds in strangling the bastard before the rest of the squad pulls her off him

A feeling of murderous unease settles over the squad as the shuttle takes off, leaving the Kriegers to die in the process, and everyone watches everyone else with suspicion

Despite the odds the shuttle reaches our own ship without anyone else getting murdered

Shuttle is greeted by a small army of Medicae personnel and the Commissar

Cassius manages to give Matilda the cliffnotes of what happened before Senior Medicae Maeve jams a needle full of painkillers into his neck and trips him onto a stretcher

Matilda quietly has the Acid Dog and the Krieger taken to the brig while the rest of us are getting treated

Both get a brief chance to explain their actions before Matilda executes them both for cowardice and murder

Talvi sneaks into the room and makes off with the bodies when Matilda leaves

Squad is only about a third of the way through the process of being stitched back together when the Ork Kroozer arrives and begins attacking before we can warp out

No rest for the wicked it seems

Friendly Fire Counter: ~26

PC Death Counter: ~17


Read more:  I have a friend who is having an insane amount of fun with my campaign, but he is becoming problematic for me and a few of my party members.

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