Dungeons & Dragons Online

The Greatest Guardswoman Who Ever Lived Part 6: Sergeant Red

Part 5; https://www.reddit.com/r/DnDGreentext/comments/msjp0f/the_greatest_guardswoman_who_ever_lived_part_5/

When we last left our intrepid Penal Legionnaire she was just promoted to the rank of Senior Inmate and assigned as commanding officer of the next mission

The next mission that will consist almost entirely of rookie troopers recently inducted to the regiment

What could possibly go wrong

Red arrives at mission briefing and is immediately greeted by a gaggle of bright-eyed whiteshields and teenagers

Screams Internally

Amir chuckles in the corner and does nothing to help

Officer barks everyone back to their places and starts the briefing, scouts spotted something fucky in the woods and we're to go take a look at it

Should be a simple patrol mission he says

Red stares at Amir, silently pleading for help

He gives her a thumbs up and a shit-eating grin

Old Tallarn bastard

Red rounds up the Squad, such as it is, at the base exit, brings Creed with her because 'fuck it, why not?'

The rookies hang on to her every word as she mumbles her way through an introduction

Mostly consists of her threatening to strangle anyone who does something stupid

Makes them all perform a thorough equipment check and introduce themselves

Enter Marissa, blonde Agri-worlder, busty, dumb as a box of rocks, asks too many damn questions

Enter Fay, rookie droptrooper from Harakoni, keeps saluting Red despite threats of dismemberment

Enter Russian Name(TM), Red Army stereotype, illiterate whiteshield, not Valhallan, keeps his mouth shut

Enter Other Fay, Priestess swept up in a pressganging, wishes she was a Sister of Battle

Enter Yuriy, whiteshield from some mining colony or something, does most of the actual equipment checking, keeps his mouth shut

Enter Lorelei, sanctioned mutant conscript, cat ears and tail, very weeb, asks too many damn questions

And a few others that I can't remember anything about

Amir shows up to tag along, weasels his way out of command by exploiting the fact that he's technically a tank commander and outside of the infantry chain of command

Red resigns herself to her fate and reluctantly leads the Squad into the mushroom forest

Dark and spooky mushroom forest

Squad rolls surprisingly well on Navigate(Surface) for once and makes decent time

The Rookies keep letting themselves get distracted

Red keeps yelling at them

In particular keeps belittling and threatening the two Fays on account of one being a Harakoni and the other being a batshit insane Redeemptionist preacher

Squad gets ambushed by some….. Mushroom…. Wolf…. Animal…. Things….

Red is relieved to have something to punch, quickly brutalizes one while Amir and the Rookies wipe the rest out with only minor injuries

Tell Lorelei to stop being a pussy and walk it off, deck someone else for laughing

Launch into a somewhat prolonged spiel about how all of them are equally worthless until proven otherwise and none of them have earned the right to look down on anyone else

Some brave teenager points out that Red has been nothing but a gigantic bitch this entire time

Red decks them for mouthing off to their betters

Squad behavior improves substantially following this episode

Squad dusts themselves off and moves on

Continue along our journey with some more successful Navigate(Surface) checks

Mission is proceeding exceedingly well by our standards

Red's paranoia is rapidly increasing with every passing hour

Reach Spooky Forest Cabin

This is the place

Squad fans out in a semi-circle, approach the building with overlapping lines of fire

Red, being the melee expert, takes the lead at the door and kicks it with her bionic leg

Door explodes into splinters

Mushroom……. Person….. Things…. Inside

Brief fight ensues

Squad again emerges victorious with only minor injuries

Red's paranoia officially off the charts

Squad clears out the rest of the building and finds nothing of use, interest or value

That just leaves the cellar


Red pries open the cellar doors, resigns herself to her impending doom and leads the Squad into the murk and cobwebs

Squad reaches the bottom of the stairs to find what is very clearly a doom arena cave

Three tall, unnaturally pale, unnaturally lithe, red-haired Humanoids emerge from the shadows wearing outfits that can only be accurately described as 'Stripperiffic'

With knife ears

Red and Amir both come to the incredibly uncomfortable realization that they are currently standing within charge range of three Dark Eldar Wyches


Cue gunshots and screaming

The Wyches are too busy being coquettish and making things weird to roll well on initiative so the party gets a little lucky inso far as Red gets to charge them rather than get charged

Red, being Red, proceeds to insecurely try to out Alphabitch the lead Wych in order to assert her supremacy, I happen to have saved most of the actual conversation that occurred here and it is presented as direct quotes for your reading pleasure

"Oh fuck off, tattoos and red hair is my fucking thing Emperor damn it! And keep your fucking hands off my rookies."

Red and Creed go back and forth with the Wych leader for awhile while Amir fights another with his chainsword and the rookie all pile lasbolts into the third

Creed manages to get ahold of the Wych and rips a chunk out of her arm

Wych: "Damned mutt, you've ruined my flesh! I-I will never be able to show my face in the arena again..! I-Ill butcher all of you!"

Red: "I've taken bigger bitches than you and came out on top!"

Marissa: "YEAH! wait wut?"

Red is silently thankful no one in the Squad has a pictcorder because explaining this conversation to the Commissar would be…. awkward

The Wych backflip kicks Creed, dodging several shots from the rookies

Wych: "I will make you squeal my damned name! Each of you will be my play things! I will make you regret this!"

Red: "Sorry whore, I don't bottom."

Marissa: "Ummmmmm……"

Amir and Red somehow manage to survive the DEldar's turn unscathed due to lucky dodge rolls

Red: "Oh come on whore, if you're gonna carry a whip around like a complete stereotype at least know how to use it."

Wych: "I will make you squeal, Bitch!"

Red: "You already used that line!"

A few more rounds of combat ensue, Amir and the rookies are slowly wearing down the other two Wyches but they're damned hard to kill, Red can't manage to hit her opponent at all but is keeping them engaged pretty effectively

Wych: "I'll flay the very flesh from your limbs! Your skin will be made into my boots and your screams shall lull me back into sleep!"

Red: "I'll do your dentistry with a power drill!"

Wych: "You don't have the damned Strength for it, Slave! Prepare to be placed in a cage."

Red: "Ten years on Trazcal fucker! I've seen more cages than you can fucking imagine!"

Wych: "Perhaps with some 'Experience' you'll learn to love it… Let me show you!"

Red: "I've experienced every fucking horror you can show me bitch!"

Wych: "Mmm.. I have such sights to show you, muscle woman."

Red: "The only thing I have to show you is what hell looks like."

Amir manages to off his opponent and the rest of the squad puts down the third, Alpha Wych decides she doesn't like her odds and decides to cut and run

Red tries to nail her with an opportunity attack

Fucking bitch uses my fist as a springboard to flip over me and run away

Wych: "Mmm. Strong hands indeed.. such i shame i cant stick around.. we could've made such beautiful screaming together."

Red: "You're gonna die by inches whore."

Sadly despite Red's impressive Agility, for a Heavy Gunner, she is nowhere near fast enough to keep up with a fleeing Wych

Instead Red takes stock of the situation

Amir is alive and more or less unscathed

Creed is badly wounded because Russian Name accidentally shot him

Russian Name is still alive, at least until Red gets ahold of him

The rest of her rookies are in varying states of mild to severe injuries but still alive

Red herself is incredibly pissed off, but mostly fine

Red, Amir and the least injured rookies stack up on the door that the Wyches came from and open it

Red starts swearing

Amir starts praying

Lorelei starts throwing up

Marissa starts crying

One of the Squad's chief medicae officers is the room beyond the door

As in she is the room

Xenos freaks apparently kidnapped her from base and vivisected her while using the local magic healing mushrooms to keep her alive and cognizant, stretching her internal anatomy to create a living room

Everyone gains Insanity

Red bullies all of the rookies, except Russian Name, out of the cellar with much swearing and threats

Amir puts two lasbolts through our Medicae's brain before taking a flamer to the 'room'

While he's doing that Red gives Russian Name a brief lecture about the nature of failure and punishment before throttling him to death with a garrote, considering that to be a kinder fate than reporting him for shooting a superior officer

Amir and Red burn down the rest of the cabin for good measure before collecting the shell-shocked rookies

We take a moment to say a few words about casualties and the horrors of war before congratulating them on becoming real Guardsmen

Red and Amir begin the long march home

After a few paces the rookies realize we aren't stopping and, after a few looks at each other and back at the burning cabin, pick themselves up and follow


Read more:  I feel like I am one step away from not liking my homebrew campaign. Can I avoid crossing that line or is it inevitable?

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