Part 5; https://www.reddit.com/r/DnDGreentext/comments/msjp0f/the_greatest_guardswoman_who_ever_lived_part_5/
When we last left our intrepid Penal Legionnaire she was just promoted to the rank of Senior Inmate and assigned as commanding officer of the next mission
The next mission that will consist almost entirely of rookie troopers recently inducted to the regiment
What could possibly go wrong
Red arrives at mission briefing and is immediately greeted by a gaggle of bright-eyed whiteshields and teenagers
Amir chuckles in the corner and does nothing to help
Officer barks everyone back to their places and starts the briefing, scouts spotted something fucky in the woods and we're to go take a look at it
Should be a simple patrol mission he says
Red stares at Amir, silently pleading for help
He gives her a thumbs up and a shit-eating grin
Old Tallarn bastard
Red rounds up the Squad, such as it is, at the base exit, brings Creed with her because 'fuck it, why not?'
The rookies hang on to her every word as she mumbles her way through an introduction
Mostly consists of her threatening to strangle anyone who does something stupid
Makes them all perform a thorough equipment check and introduce themselves
Enter Marissa, blonde Agri-worlder, busty, dumb as a box of rocks, asks too many damn questions
Enter Fay, rookie droptrooper from Harakoni, keeps saluting Red despite threats of dismemberment
Enter Russian Name(TM), Red Army stereotype, illiterate whiteshield, not Valhallan, keeps his mouth shut
Enter Other Fay, Priestess swept up in a pressganging, wishes she was a Sister of Battle
Enter Yuriy, whiteshield from some mining colony or something, does most of the actual equipment checking, keeps his mouth shut
Enter Lorelei, sanctioned mutant conscript, cat ears and tail, very weeb, asks too many damn questions
And a few others that I can't remember anything about
Amir shows up to tag along, weasels his way out of command by exploiting the fact that he's technically a tank commander and outside of the infantry chain of command
Red resigns herself to her fate and reluctantly leads the Squad into the mushroom forest
Dark and spooky mushroom forest
Squad rolls surprisingly well on Navigate(Surface) for once and makes decent time
The Rookies keep letting themselves get distracted
Red keeps yelling at them
In particular keeps belittling and threatening the two Fays on account of one being a Harakoni and the other being a batshit insane Redeemptionist preacher
Squad gets ambushed by some….. Mushroom…. Wolf…. Animal…. Things….
Red is relieved to have something to punch, quickly brutalizes one while Amir and the Rookies wipe the rest out with only minor injuries
Tell Lorelei to stop being a pussy and walk it off, deck someone else for laughing
Launch into a somewhat prolonged spiel about how all of them are equally worthless until proven otherwise and none of them have earned the right to look down on anyone else
Some brave teenager points out that Red has been nothing but a gigantic bitch this entire time
Red decks them for mouthing off to their betters
Squad behavior improves substantially following this episode
Squad dusts themselves off and moves on
Continue along our journey with some more successful Navigate(Surface) checks
Mission is proceeding exceedingly well by our standards
Red's paranoia is rapidly increasing with every passing hour
Reach Spooky Forest Cabin
This is the place
Squad fans out in a semi-circle, approach the building with overlapping lines of fire
Red, being the melee expert, takes the lead at the door and kicks it with her bionic leg
Door explodes into splinters
Mushroom……. Person….. Things…. Inside
Brief fight ensues
Squad again emerges victorious with only minor injuries
Red's paranoia officially off the charts
Squad clears out the rest of the building and finds nothing of use, interest or value
That just leaves the cellar
Red pries open the cellar doors, resigns herself to her impending doom and leads the Squad into the murk and cobwebs
Squad reaches the bottom of the stairs to find what is very clearly a doom arena cave
Three tall, unnaturally pale, unnaturally lithe, red-haired Humanoids emerge from the shadows wearing outfits that can only be accurately described as 'Stripperiffic'
With knife ears
Red and Amir both come to the incredibly uncomfortable realization that they are currently standing within charge range of three Dark Eldar Wyches
Marissa spoke first, and well did she speak: "ARE YOU SEEING WHAT I'M SEEING?! THE PRIMER NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THIS! WHY ARE THEY HALF NAKED?! WHY DO THEY HAVE KNIFE EARS?! AND WHY ARE THEY LICKING THEIR LIPS AND LOOKING AT POOR ANNA?!'
Cue gunshots and screaming
The Wyches are too busy being coquettish and making things weird to roll well on initiative so the party gets a little lucky inso far as Red gets to charge them rather than get charged
Red, being Red, proceeds to insecurely try to out Alphabitch the lead Wych in order to assert her supremacy, I happen to have saved most of the actual conversation that occurred here and it is presented as direct quotes for your reading pleasure
"Oh fuck off, tattoos and red hair is my fucking thing Emperor damn it! And keep your fucking hands off my rookies."
Red and Creed go back and forth with the Wych leader for awhile while Amir fights another with his chainsword and the rookie all pile lasbolts into the third
Creed manages to get ahold of the Wych and rips a chunk out of her arm
Wych: "Damned mutt, you've ruined my flesh! I-I will never be able to show my face in the arena again..! I-Ill butcher all of you!"
Red: "I've taken bigger bitches than you and came out on top!"
Marissa: "YEAH! wait wut?"
Red is silently thankful no one in the Squad has a pictcorder because explaining this conversation to the Commissar would be…. awkward
The Wych backflip kicks Creed, dodging several shots from the rookies
Wych: "I will make you squeal my damned name! Each of you will be my play things! I will make you regret this!"
Red: "Sorry whore, I don't bottom."
Amir and Red somehow manage to survive the DEldar's turn unscathed due to lucky dodge rolls
Red: "Oh come on whore, if you're gonna carry a whip around like a complete stereotype at least know how to use it."
Wych: "I will make you squeal, Bitch!"
Red: "You already used that line!"
A few more rounds of combat ensue, Amir and the rookies are slowly wearing down the other two Wyches but they're damned hard to kill, Red can't manage to hit her opponent at all but is keeping them engaged pretty effectively
Wych: "I'll flay the very flesh from your limbs! Your skin will be made into my boots and your screams shall lull me back into sleep!"
Red: "I'll do your dentistry with a power drill!"
Wych: "You don't have the damned Strength for it, Slave! Prepare to be placed in a cage."
Red: "Ten years on Trazcal fucker! I've seen more cages than you can fucking imagine!"
Wych: "Perhaps with some 'Experience' you'll learn to love it… Let me show you!"
Red: "I've experienced every fucking horror you can show me bitch!"
Wych: "Mmm.. I have such sights to show you, muscle woman."
Red: "The only thing I have to show you is what hell looks like."
Amir manages to off his opponent and the rest of the squad puts down the third, Alpha Wych decides she doesn't like her odds and decides to cut and run
Red tries to nail her with an opportunity attack
Fucking bitch uses my fist as a springboard to flip over me and run away
Wych: "Mmm. Strong hands indeed.. such i shame i cant stick around.. we could've made such beautiful screaming together."
Red: "You're gonna die by inches whore."
Sadly despite Red's impressive Agility, for a Heavy Gunner, she is nowhere near fast enough to keep up with a fleeing Wych
Instead Red takes stock of the situation
Amir is alive and more or less unscathed
Creed is badly wounded because Russian Name accidentally shot him
Russian Name is still alive, at least until Red gets ahold of him
The rest of her rookies are in varying states of mild to severe injuries but still alive
Red herself is incredibly pissed off, but mostly fine
Red, Amir and the least injured rookies stack up on the door that the Wyches came from and open it
Red starts swearing
Amir starts praying
Lorelei starts throwing up
Marissa starts crying
One of the Squad's chief medicae officers is the room beyond the door
As in she is the room
Xenos freaks apparently kidnapped her from base and vivisected her while using the local magic healing mushrooms to keep her alive and cognizant, stretching her internal anatomy to create a living room
Everyone gains Insanity
Red bullies all of the rookies, except Russian Name, out of the cellar with much swearing and threats
Amir puts two lasbolts through our Medicae's brain before taking a flamer to the 'room'
While he's doing that Red gives Russian Name a brief lecture about the nature of failure and punishment before throttling him to death with a garrote, considering that to be a kinder fate than reporting him for shooting a superior officer
Amir and Red burn down the rest of the cabin for good measure before collecting the shell-shocked rookies
We take a moment to say a few words about casualties and the horrors of war before congratulating them on becoming real Guardsmen
Red and Amir begin the long march home
After a few paces the rookies realize we aren't stopping and, after a few looks at each other and back at the burning cabin, pick themselves up and follow
- The Greatest Guardswoman Who Ever Lived Part 7: Babysitting
- The Greatest Guardswoman Who Ever Lived Part 5: Critical Mission Failure, or That Time We Fucked Up
- The Greatest Guardswoman Who Ever Lived Part 4: The Horse Murder and the Arena
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