EVE Online

Tempest AAR: Fountain Round 5. Moving Day! Structure Anchor Was a Mining Op In Disguise!

Good Evening sirs, and welcome back to our little home in Fountain, the path has been long and painful, with uninvited guests all over New Eden repeatedly showing up. Accusations of blobbing thrown left and right, and….they're probably correct. However, when your noob corp has no clue what is going on, and has no clue what the fuck an anchor is, nor what a prop mod is, what can you do?

Can you get away with mining an enemy moon while in a CTA? Fuck it, why not.

This is TempestofChaos, here is your AAR.

TriThumbvirate and Out of the Closet finally nae nae'd the Forsunken Empress Fortizar out of existance, deal with bombing waves that would make Al Qaeda shake its head in shame at the generalized incompetence, whacked our own Astrahus on the gate and a Fortizar down, after some concern that Xrea once again, anchored it facing the wrong goddamn way.

We in Out of the Blue are proud of our new recycling initiatives, as we promptly took the Quantum Core from the Forsaken Empire's Fortizar, and promptly yeeted it into our own. That was four billion isk saved, some tree-hugging hippy is going to be well pleased with us this week!

Beyond that, with our Astahus finally anchoring, Forsaken Empire and Out of the Blue finally clashed in a reasonable fight 72-66. Given that Brand Newbros are filled with newer players, which count as only half a pilot I do believe this time that counts that Forsaken Empire blobbed us. This is my decree. After all, I don't see YOUR AAR here, huh? This time, instead of Lemming Savior, I get to make up the numbers. I like this method much more.

Cerberus fleet clashed with Sacrilege fleet as they cyno'd in on top of the Astrahus. That cyno promptly blapped by Coal and Eilish in hecates once again, as they don't know what the fuck a doctrine ship is. SERIOUSLY, HE JUST ORDERED 50 HECATES. MY GOD.

Both OOTB cerb fleet and FE in a sacrilege fleet engage in a titanic slap fight (for out puny sized alliances, in this bumfuck backwater region). Both fleets traded at ranges from 100km to damn near on top of each other, at 20km, depending on how often Rots had to refill his glass of sparkling mineral water while the logistics said "I'm in danger" whenever they came within web range. Thankfully, DeafBringer bought a new shiny hearing implant this week, so we actually got reps off on pilots screaming for the medic. Somehow, and I have no damn clue why or how this happened, because as much as I attempted to sabotage this by playing earrape music in FC chat background, OOTB and CO™ managed to trade at 75% efficiency, 1b – 4b. https://br.evetools.org/related/30004589/202107210300

Astrahus promptly anchored, FE forces ran away promptly, but not before retreating and killing the Morale Retriever that was mining their R64 in station this entire time. Seriously, this guy is a director in our corp, and a member of the Board of Directors, and this fuck is mining during a CTA he pinged for. Fucking carebears man, literally can't be separated from isk for an hour.

KNOW WHAT, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN, WHAT A LEGEND! I'M GOING TO GET HIM A FREIGHTER FOR HIS ORCA SIZED BALLS! Not only are we going to take your space, toast your iHubs Sponsored by Apple and wreck your fleet. We're also taking the R64 moon in the process. Look, I don't give a damn if it was the one guy, the thing is he got away with it for 40 minutes! That ship had better be paid for!

You thought this would be over with, no this AAR is a two-fer!

We're talking about the Fortizar we anchored earlier today. That big bastard. We finally got our asses to taking that thing across the aisle, because they put it in the dairy section, because we're milking this fucking AAR for everything we've got.

Triumvirate and Out of the Blue assembled our cerb fleet for the coup de grace, the final anchoring of our Big Beautiful Fortizar. This fight really was boring in all honesty, just a big game of tag between FE and OOTB forces, just warping after each other like we wanted to play patty-cake but were too afraid of the cooties we'd get from poking them with a long pointy stick.

This was once again, a glorified structure bash sadly. FE anchored the entire time, doing….Forsaken things if you know what I mean. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Feet pic sharing :) The only joy in here was the godawful bombing fleet, in which I've seen the smoothest play in a long while when it comes to flyswatting bombers out of the sky. You see, there was this big fuckoff machariel following us the entire time in J5A-IX, and I was getting a bit jealous why couldn't I bring my own big toys into system ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). I don't get to use that emote very often, K? I mean seriously, the only things I fly are garbage nano fits I got off of zkillboard, and stealing rifter fits from Auraeus Porcaelus. I can't spell that name right, you know you can't either.

I found out pretty quickly, well after 20 minutes of warping around. We see 10 bombers decloak, and launch their bombs, and I finally got my answer regarding that Machariel. Firewall mach! Gee, if only you could put this in your internet browser while browsing Brazzers, to stop all the ads! I mean sheesh, at least it stopped every bomb flat in its tracks! But here's where you need that Brazzers link for. The immediate HICtor bubble that flashed up as Garst took a swig of his Triple-Hopped IPA, and belched that he wanted them bombers to not exist anymore. I now found out who voiced Rick Sanchez. I knew it! But I mean shit, that was just smooth! It was a perfect execution, just like those bombers were just shamefully executed for crimes unbeknownst to me. https://br.evetools.org/br/60f9077a80a5cd0019ff561f

Now if you thought that was smooth, another pilot decided to try that mining move. It went…not as well. While Sillera had balls of steel to do this and executed it well enough. This jerkoff, that totally none of us know or recognize warps into the goddamn Athanor into a bubble and starts fornicating with the Athanor inside of it, unable to escape. You see, children, this is how baby Rorquals are made. That procurer had a GRAND 'OL TIME, until it blew the fuck up.

And hoping to avoid another talk of the Birds and the Bees Procurer and the Athanor, we shall take a bow for our most recent escapades.

Until next time, have a pleasant evening.


Brand Newbros Pilot

Glorious Irritator of Xrea


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