EVE Online

war stories

it seems that shitposting has lulled for a while. lets hear your war stories

319-3D keepstar battle


This was the first time flying a capital ship, an archon. I bought it earlier in the year when we went north but I never got round to using it or even figuring out how to use it. How hard can it be, there'd be plenty of time in max tidi to figure it out. I spent the moments leading up to the fight deciding what kind of baked potato to have, I went with the classic cheese and chilli beans.


The plan was simple, warp in, send fighters in, gtfo, tokyo drift around the baddies and bake a potato or two.

Shit went sideways immediately when I discovered that there were no chilli beans and I also jumped into all of the fucking bubbles. I set the oven to 190, poured myself a large gin and sent my fighters on their way while aligning out of all of the bubbles. Some frigates started to get frisky so I started to lock those up to zap them with whatever I had while I picked out a nice fat potato to stab with a fork and gave it a good clean.

While waiting for the oven to warm up and the potato to dry I noticed that my fighters were getting suspiciously closer to me than to the keepstar. I had aligned the fighters out of the bubbles instead of my ship. I unfucked the fighters, poured myself a large gin and aligned my ship again just in time to get a lock on the hecate and zap it with my nsa. Fuck.

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I tried to turn the nsa off, I tried to disable it, I tried to eject it into space. None of these worked so I gave the potato a nice olive oil rub down and seasoned with sea salt and cracked pepper. This made me feel better but also still a dick. I poured myself a large gin.


By the time I'd molested the potato good a proper and popped it in the oven the number of bubbles had increased exponentially and a bunch of little shit was chipping away at the shields so I poured myself a large gin and smartbombed the fuckers, including any nearby allied ships, drones, fighters and pods.

Sorry not sorry because the dreadnaughts were also starting to have a go. It was time to fuck right off as soon as the nsa went to hell, about half an hour. Enough time to sort out the bean situation.


I found a tin of regular baked beans, some chilli flakes in the back of the cupboard and a bottle of well aged Worcestershire sauce. I also remembered I had a little tub of sour cream and chive dip, tea was gonna be lit.

I gave the potato a turn, starting to get nice and cripsy, just as the nsa fucked itself right off and the bubbles began to pop. I manage to scare off the rest of the tackle by pouring a large glass of jaffa cake gin and just managed to get into warp just before the dictors dropped more bubbles on me.

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The dreads had got me down to about 70% armour but now I was free so I put the beans in a pan over a low heat and popped in some chilli flakes and generous dash of Worcestershire sauce


By the time I landed out of warp it was time to pull the whole dish together. The nearest ship, a sabre, was thousands of kilometres away. Nothing to worry about, I aligned to the next jump, poured myself a large gin and had a look at the sabre. It was actually slowboating over, in tidi, thousands of kilometres. Never stop being horde, horde.

The potato turned out to be delicious and crispy, the beans were surprisingly not awful and the sour cream really tied it all together


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