Content of the article: "Post Pull Depression – Starring High Seraph Ultima"
Ultima: “HELLO AND WELCOME TO POST PULL DEPRESSION”
Uh.. what is going on here? I’m not doing PPD anymore and two weeks in a row is going to make people think otherwise.
Ultima: “BUT I AM BACK ON BANNER”
No. No you are not.
Ultima: “WELL I AM IN THE DIMENSIONAL VORTEX”
No. No you are not. Check the news. That is a different Ultima, the High Seraph.
That is just really shitty photoshop. You didn’t even bother to remove the background and I think I can still see a wing of the old one on the left.
Ultima: “NO YOU CANNOT”
Fine. Whatever. I’m not doing this, you can do whatever the hell you want and now everyone gets to read in annoying all caps.
Ultima: “LET US TAKE A LOOK AT THE UNITS”
Larsa V2 LARSA LARSA LARSA
Ultima: “LOOK AT THIS CUTE LITTLE GIRL I WILL MAKE HER INTO ONE OF MY HANDMAIDENS AND SHE SHALL BE SPARED FROM THE BLOOD PURGE”
Larsa’s a dude.
Ultima: “I THOUGHT YOU LEFT”
I’m literally writing your lines, I can’t actually leave. This is really just me talking to myself in an insane fashion. Anyways, it’s Ray of Hope Larsa. I don’t think that’s a really good fit for an “angel of blood.”
Ultima: “FINE THEN I WILL JUST TAKE HOPE FROM FF13 SHE IS CUTE TOO”
I’m not even going to bother.
DEPRESSION: 7* SUCKS NOW
Ultima: “LOOK AT THIS SAD TMR AND STMR FODDER. WHEN I RULE THE WORLD THERE WILL BE NO MORE DISTINCTION BETWEEN 7* AND NV ALL SHALL BE EQUAL IN DEATH.”
Well shit, given my two choices to vote for right now I’m all in. Ultima 2020!
Balthier (BS) THE LEADING MAN
Ultima: “HOW IS HE A LEADING MAN IS HE MADE OUT OF LEAD?”
What? No. Not lead, it’s lead. I can’t even explain this in writing. How would a "led"-ing man make any sense anyways?
Ultima: “THERE ARE IRON GIANTS AND STONE GOLEMS SO WHY NOT A LEADING MAN MAYBE HE IS SLOWLY TRANSFORMING INTO LEAD.”
I hate you so much.
Ultima: “WHY IS HE BACK ON BANNER HE IS AN OLD UNIT OLD LIKE LEAD”
He has an NVA form now so if you happened to pull 5 of him you get sort of rewarded for your shitty luck? Pull two more and you can brave shift him.
Ultima: “WHAT IS A BRAVE SHIFT”
It’s an underutilized mechanic that basically just splits a unit’s kit in half and subtly changes their pose and/or hair color.
Ultima: “SO LIKE A MAGICAL GIRL TRANSFORMATION”
I guess so, sure. That would actually be more effort than the game normally does.
Oh thank god, things might be normal now.
Alma: “I am still the Angel of Blood Ultima! I will wash the world in a sea of blood! Stone Throw! Stone Throw!”
That is so not threatening…
Alma: “Don’t forget, I know how to cast the most powerful spell: ULTIMA!”
Ultima: “AND I AM BACK”
Oh yay… not that it matters no one is reading this anymore.
DEPRESSION: I HAVE NO IDEA
Ultima: “SO IS HE WORTH MAKING INTO AN NVA?”
Oh uh… maybe. He does damage probably? I can’t keep track of this shit anymore. Since he’s not on the regurgitate meta list just pick whichever answer you like better:
A: His damage is not #1 therefore he is garbage
B: Just play with your favorite units even if they cause instant game overs
I think that covers the extremes, we are done with nuanced middle grounds.
Ultima: “I HAVE THE HIGH GROUND.”
No! We are not adding prequel memes!
NV Gabranth GABA-WHO?
Ultima: “I DO NOT RECOGNIZE THIS ONE WHAT IS A GABRANTH”
Wait what? They actually released Gabranth? Oh this is a new base NV Gabranth. Odd they aren’t skipping any base NV units…
Ultima: “WHAT IS A GABRANTH”
Fuck if I know, he’s one of the Darth Vader wannabee judges. I couldn’t keep any of them straight. Oh this one was Basch’s twin brother.
Ultima: “SPOILER ALERT”
It’s a 14 year old game, if you haven’t played it by now you never will. Hey, shouldn’t you be the one doing the spoilers and then I’m the one doing the chastising. I think we just swapped the funny guy/straight guy roles.
Ultima: “I DO NOT THINK IT MATTERS AT THIS POINT”
We agree for the first and last time.
Ultima: “DO I WANT A GABRANTH”
When was the last time anyone used a physical tank?
Ultima: “I JUST USE MY LUCAVI AS A MEAT SHIELD AND THEN GORGE ON THEIR SPILT BLOOD THUS STRENGTHENING MYSELF”
That would actually be an awesome mechanic.
Ultima: “MORE BLOOD FOR THE ANGEL OF BLOOD”
POST PULL DEPRESSION
Ultima: “SO WHAT DID WE LEARN TODAY”
Why are you trying to end this like an afterschool special?
Ultima: “CORRECT THIS BANNER IS THE MOST SKIPPABLE BANNER TO DATE AND THEY NEVER BROUGHT OVER THE ORIGINAL GABRANTH JUST TO HYPE THIS ONE”
Wow, a three year long con in the making, huh? That would be impressive were I actually able to believe they were capable of that. Then JP is set to get JPEX NV Zargabaath?
Yes, good ol’ 2017 stale humor. All we are missing now is a forced 80s song references.
Ultima: “SEE YOU NEXT BANNER”
- Neo-Visions, Pull Planning, and Strategies
- GL News – 9/30 Maint, FFXII TZA Banner/Raid, World Revisit Quests & More
- JP – Story Event #49 (NV Dark Fina & Sol, NV Akstar & Cleome) – Banner(s) Megathread – 10/14~10/21
© Post "Post Pull Depression – Starring High Seraph Ultima" for game Final Fantasy Brave Exvius.
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