Hitman

HITMAN 3 – April Patch Jokes [Officially Unoffical]

Buy Hitman III, a game that I, CareTakerAldstone, had nothing to do with, from IO Interactive, a company that I, CareTakerAldstone, am not affiliated with, HERE

 

The third major patch for HITMAN 3 arrives today! We’re excited to see how quickly we can fix everything that breaks this time around, so you all should be sure to rant about as many issues as possible. We're aiming for a new record this time, so there's bonus points if you point out something that you know we're already aware of.


HITMAN 3 – April Patch Details

HITMAN 3 will be updated on all platforms; PS5, PS4, and PC at 2PM CET, and the hotfix that repairs the update will be brought out after enough people complain about it on Reddit.

Date: I dunno, depends on when you feel like playing it.

Patch size: Far bigger than it should be.

Cloud: Switch players will find that the game experiences connectivity issues during clear days. This is because Hitman 3: Cloud Edition only works when it is cloudy, hence the name. Unfortunately, this is a technology issue and there's not much we'll be able to do about it. You should be glad we didn't call it "Thunder Edition".


HITMAN 3 – April Patch Notes (Version 3.20.47)

New Content By popular demand, the "VIP Patient" suit, which is featured at the beginning of Situs Inversus, is now an unlockable suit for all HITMAN 3 players. This stylish robe will also be featuring driving gloves for no reason. We at IO Interactive really, really like driving gloves.

New Deluxe Content To compensate for the Seven Deadly Sins not being part of the deluxe content, owners of the HITMAN 3 Deluxe Edition or Deluxe Pack will get access to brand new items this month. Upon downloading the update, deluxe edition owners will find their inventory immediately stocked with all the new deluxe content, including the Lethal Dart Gun, the Active Camouflage Suit, and the ICA Tactical Nuke. By marginally popular demand, the ICA Electrocution Phone also makes its return for Deluxe Edition owners. The rest of you get another Dubai escalation or something.


April Roadmap: Escalation Ascension


General Updates

Connectivity We’ve made several tweaks on the back-end since launch and this patch will allow us to make more connectivity improvements at a faster rate. None of you will notice these or thank us for doing this. That's alright. That's…fine.

Stability Crashing has been reduced via our brand new crash avoidance system. Whenever the game crashes, the crashing process will immediately crash, causing the crash to crash and thus negating the crash. The game will now never crash again. And if our genius system ever does crash, you'll know that the crash was intentional. Why didn't we think of this before?!

Guard AI One of the top criticisms that the World of Assassination Trilogy received was that the NPC Artificial Intelligence was lacking in the realism department, leaving the character AI feeling a bit dim. After taking note of this, we've made some changes to make Hitman 3 feel like a much more realistic and immersive experience: – Every guard NPC will constantly look at you if they can see you. 47 has a pretty suspicious physique. – Half of every carriable item in the game will now trigger suspicion. – NPC vision cones are now three times their previous range and register full 180 degree peripheral vision. – Anybody you walk up to will immediately have you arrested if you come back to them in a disguise. – NPCs will only be distracted by coins and other thrown items 25% of the time. – Any pacification that takes place shortly after being seen by an NPC, even if it was performed from behind, will immediately negate Silent Assassin. – If you walk near a frisk zone, leave, and come back to the frisk zone, guards will just deny you entry. Guess you should've known it was a frisk zone from the start! Better luck next time.

Now that we're addressing such a common criticism, we believe that these tweaks will improve the feeling of the game.

A New Take on Reward Tracks As many of you may know, we reworked the item reward tracks between HITMAN 2 and HITMAN 3 so that all item rewards that were previously linked to mission stories and challenges became linked to completing escalations and featured contracts. We felt that it was important to give players unique rewards for playing less popular game modes, and because people seem to still think that those modes aren't repayable enough, we're going to take our efforts a step further and remove all item rewards from mastery completion and tie them to Sniper Assassin, escalation contracts, and featured contracts. This way, players will be more likely to gather the courage necessary to fight against the boredom of playing those modes over and over and over again. This will (coincidentally) result in IO Interactive employees getting to head home earlier since we won't have to design new items, creating a true win-win situation!

Read more:  Bangkok pitch meeting

Xbox Edition We hear you, Xbox players. Your console is slow on receiving the updates we put out, almost never gets mentioned in the patch notes we release, and Xbox One players had to wait 2 months to receive a decent framerate. So this time, we're making some real changes that should bring Xbox fans some excitement, the most notable change being that all owners of the Xbox version will find their game automatically deleted from their account and given a 90% refund. We believe that this should relieve some feelings of being treated differently than other Hitman players, as now none of you will actually be Hitman players.

Hostile Sonic Attack To make combat a more challenging and rewarding experience, we've turned the ragdoll infinitely looping sound glitch into a fully-fledged game feature! Now, when facing off against enemies in combat, any guards you knock out or eliminate will play a loud, endless buzzing noise when they hit the floor in an attempt to disorient the player.


Seven Deadly Sins Rework

We've received a lot of feedback from fans about the Seven Deadly Sins DLC. We at IO have always been committed to providing players with a positive gaming experience that's worth what players contribute to it, which is why we are going to completely re-work the Seven Deadly Sins DLC to provide a more impactful experience for our players.

Furthermore, from this point onward, we intend to be fully open and clear about what players can expect from the content pack. In an effort to uphold this promise, we will immediately share our plans for each and every part of the Seven Deadly Sins DLC in this update.

Philosophical Rework: After re-evaluating our current plans for the Seven Deadly Sins DLC, we've come to the conclusion that the current offerings we've planned won't give players enough content for the money they pay. As a result, we've shifted the DLC's philosophy to adopt a more artistic interpretation. To really make players feel the consequences of giving into the deadly sins we explore.

Greed: The "Greed" DLC has had its price increased to $20 (€17), increasing the price of the total pack to $45 (€38).

Pride: This Escalation contract will only be accessible to players who watch the game's credits to their entirety. Players who complete this contract without an IOI account will receive no rewards or experience. Furthermore, anybody who rates this pack as less than perfect will find that Hitman 3 will be locked to offline mode until they remove their review. This will be an unintentional bug. We will apologize when it's discovered, and will promise to fix it soon™.

Sloth: This pack will contain no content. Instead, the team dedicated to this DLC will be taking a cruise vacation to the Bahamas. Bon Voyage!

Lust: We were very excited to make and publish this custom mission in particular until we saw your recommendations for it. We have changed the plan so that now, the contract will begin with 47 inside the Sapienza church, permanently disguised as a priest. the contract involves walking around town to find overly-lustful individuals and guiding them into the church. The only way to complete the mission is to enter the confession booth and ask for God's forgiveness. Some of you really, really need it.

Gluttony: This will be a brand new bonus mission set in Chongqing, China. The map will be re-worked to be set during the day, and your targets will be multiple Triad narcotics distributors operating out of the newly-renovated restaurant, featuring all new items and spaces that weren't previously featured in the old- Nah, we're joking. It's probably going to be an escalation contract about throwing food at people set in normal Chongqing with a weird lighting filter applied. We got the Bond license, baby! You think we're gonna keep focusing on this thing? We made our production cost back in ONE WEEK.

Wrath: This Special Assignment, which will take place in Dubai, will involve assassinating a very, very obvious imitation of former U.S. President, Donald Trump. Hopefully, this will generate enough controversy to allow us to win at this year's Game Awards. Additionally, 47 will escape the level through suicide via jumping off of the Burj Al-Ghazali while sad music plays in a very shallow attempt to create emotional impact. We'll be sure to mention you guys during our acceptance speech.

Read more:  I would love the Hitman series as a whole if the bugs didn't ruin it.

Envy: The last DLC in the series will bring players to a brand new location: Toronto. Gaze upon the modern beauty of Parker International, one of North America's largest airports. Based off of Toronto's real airport, this massive, sprawling structure sends and receives thousands of passengers daily. The busy flow of people in and out of its gates can be seen in full view as 47 starts the mission leaning against a railing atop a building far away. The mission ends as soon as you stop leaning against the railing, so be sure to savor the view of what you could have gotten instead of this DLC pack.


Oops! All Escalations!

After releasing the Mills Reverie in Hitman 2, we saw the great amount of positive feedback from our fans about how high-quality the escalation was compared to the other escalations featured in the game at the time. This meant that our players only want escalation contracts.

We're committed to providing the best possible experience to our player base, which is why, aside from the Seven Deadly Sins content, we are only going to release escalation contracts from now on. Furthermore, all previous missions in the trilogy will be turned into escalation contracts. Can you beat level 3 of The Finish Line with a restricted loadout, no disguise changes allowed, and a requirement to kill Robert Knox with a screwdriver?

On top of all that, we're very excited to announce that we'll be adding a brand new type of contract sometime next month: Escalation Duos. Escalation Duos function like normal escalation contracts, but each level in the contract is an escalation contract. Will you be able to make it through all nine levels without playing a different game?


Location Changes: Berlin, Germany

It's not Easy Being Green We made some experimental changes to Agent Green's AI behavior. As a result, we accidently made him sentient. Upon the player starting the mission, Green will soon realize that he is the wimpiest agent on the map, and as a result, he will immediately commit suicide by jumping off the club's roof.

Second is the First Loser To prevent Agent Green from committing suicide, Agent Price will now permanently spawn on the map, making Green only the second wimpiest agent. It's okay, Green. We still love you.


Location Changes: Carpathian Mountains, Romania

Super Secret Ship The super secret ending, which unlocks the Cruise Ship location, has been taken out of the game and will be sold later as DLC. Good thing nobody found it before we made the decision! Be sure not to mention this one in the patch notes.


Virtual Reality (PS VR)

Bug Additions We spent a lot of time this past month to iron out bugs in the PlayStation VR version. After a lot of testing and tweaking, we managed to fix nearly every bug that was in the PSVR version of the game. We then noticed that, as a result, the VR version wasn't fun to play anymore. So we're doing what we really should have done from the start: We have managed to make the VR version of the game a hilariously broken mess. Well, at least more than before. Stare in wonder as ragdolls literally go flying if you tap them on the shoulder in the right way. Bask in the glory of all the broken animations. And what happens when you smack someone with an explosive baseball? Well, you'll just have to see for yourselves.

Epileptic Screening As a result of breaking half of the game in the VR version, a lot of textures may appear bugged and will rapidly change resolution or fight with other textures. Because we want to accommodate epileptic players, we have made the VR title screen very quickly flash red and blue lights in an attempt to get any epileptic players to not play the PSVR version of the game. Phew, another problem solved.


Platform-Specific Changes: Switch

Switch? We released the game on Switch?…Wait…oh yeah, we did. In that case, Masahiro Sakurai? That fighting game of yours seems pretty low on bald killer clone characters. Feel free to give us a call if you wanna change that.


Miscellaneous Tweaks

The Hitman with the Golden Gun The ICA19 Goldballer has been removed from the game. In places where the Goldballer would normally spawn, the ICA19 Silverballer will spawn instead. This way, we can release the Goldballer as an unlockable item during a month of dry content and pretend that it's new content.

Hero of IO Interactive I swear to God, someone (You know who you are) broke something completely on purpose just so they'll be able to rush in and fix it before May's patch. We all know you did it. Just come clean.

Mini Hitmen To broaden the player base, Hitman 3 now has a new, toggle-able option to make the game become more compliant with Google's child-friendly video guidelines. As a result, all swear words will be made silent, the saturation will be turned up by 200%, and blood textures will be replaced with flashy impact textures. Melee weapons will also be replaced with ranged weapons, and all ranged weapons will be changed to look simplistic and quirky because apparently, first degree murder via ranged firearm is okay as long as it looks cartoony and nobody says a bad word while doing it.

Hi I just wanted to get into the patch notes. Thanks, editor!

Blast From the Past It's been almost fifteen years since the release of Hitman: Blood Money back in 2006, and we at IO Interactive are very happy to see so many fans pretending that it holds up at a level equal to Hitman 3. To satisfy our fans who consider it to be the best game ever made, we've added a brand new selectable mode, Blood Money Mode, to make Hitman 3 play more like the 2006 title. When this mode is toggled: – NPCs will have a 50% chance of instantly detecting the player performing an illegal action, even if they are looking nowhere near the player. – All animations will lose physical simulation. – When an NPC is meant to perform an action, there is a 10% chance that they will stand there and do nothing, causing the level to break. – NPCs will randomly decide to stare at Agent 47 at the worst possible times. – Guards will immediately attempt to kill Agent 47 if he is caught doing anything even slightly suspicious. – Jesper Kyd will be credited for the soundtrack instead of Niels Bye Nielsen so that it gets the attention it rightfully deserves

Stopped in its Tracks A particularly nasty crash unintentionally occurred at the wrong time. It has been refined to now occur when it's supposed to.

Continuity Error Discontinued SPOILERS: Lucas Grey appeared at the beginning of Untouchable despite canonically being dead at the that point in the story. IO staff were hesitant to fix this glaring continuity error for reasons that didn't make much sense, so I fixed it. Me. I fixed it. And I voiced 47's conscience to fill in for Grey's lines. Ingenuity like that is deserving of a promotion, don't you think, Clem? :).

Your Issue Here We'd like to thank you for sticking to the end of this month's exciting patch notes. We know you can't wait to get started with the new content, just like we at IO can't wait to get our Twitter spammed. As per usual, we're going to continue adding the most frequently-mentioned comments into the Commonly Reported Issues section below. Thank you all for playing. We can't wait to escalate things a little more next month.

Commonly Reported Issues:
– The game is broken – We need to fix the game – You can't go online – The game is dead – Fuck – IO Interactive's mother is apparently fat and happens to be attracted to other female game development companies – You are going to convince your friends to boycott our "unethical business practices" and go play GTA Online instead – We're European (we're working on a fix for this one ASAP) – The Patch Notes haven't ended yet (We're releasing a fix for this one immediately).

 

Hello. I am CareTakerAldstone. And believe it or not, I don't work at IO Interactive. This is a humor-centered parody of March's patch notes. IO Interactive is full of some great people, and I do not wish to imply or say anything negative about them or their work during this parody. Thank you.

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