League of Legends

Bald and Beautiful: An essay analyzing, comparing assessing and grading all of league’s bald champions based on their head.

Table of contents
1. Purpose of this essay
2. Who am I & Why am I qualified to speak on such a sensitive topic
3. Grading criteria explained
4. Grading each individual bald champion
5. Overall ranking

Purpose of this study

Much like the title suggest the purpose of this essay is to analyze, compare, assess and grade all of league's bald champions based on their head.


Who am I & Why am I qualified to speak on such a sensitive topic

I am orangepoison, you can call me orange or poison. I am a hardstuck silver 4 player that somehow was fortuitous enough to escape the pit of despair and pain called Bronze after being stuck there for 3 seasons. Yes, you read that just right. I was Bronze for 3 seasons, Silver for 1 season and I am currently still in silver. With this piece of information I gave you, you can conclude that I am not a very good player. Unfortunately, you do need epic gamer skills to reach a good rank in league. But you wanna know what you don't need epic gamer skills for??!! Writing an essay about bald champions, and that's exactly what I am about to do.

Also, i have a PhD in shitposting.


Grading criteria explained

Criteria Grade
Shape a/10
Texture and look b/10
Average ((a+b)÷2)/10

The default skin splash arts are what we are going to use to grade each individual champion.  

As you can see in the table above we have 2 main criteria:

shape

texture & look

 

a represents the shape and it can be any number between 0 and 10

b represents the look and texture and it can be any number between 0 and 10

((a+b)÷2) represents the average of both criteria and it will be the final grade for the champion

 

Shape obviously refers to the overall shape of the champion's bald head. Is it symmetrical? Nice and round? Square-looking? These are some of the questions I used to grade this particular feature.

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Texture & look obviously refers to the overall look and texture throughout the head. Is it shiny and hydrated? Is it way too veiny? Does it look like it could use some lotion? Is it rough looking? These are some of the questions i used to assess this particular feature

 


Grading the bald heads

Braum

Criteria Grade
Shape 10/10
Texture and look 10/10
Average 10/10

Braum has what I call a BBH, a Beautiful Bald head.

Since the splash art does not give us a proper angle of his beautiful bald head, I used this screenshot from a cinematic to help me.

The shape is just spectacular, very round at the top while maintaining a square-ish and sharp frame on the sides.

Amazing look and texture. No visible scars or veins, has a matte-ish look while at the same time exuding just the right amount of shine. I have no doubt braum uses some type of moisturizer in his head

Singed

Criteria Grade
Shape 3 10/10
Texture and look 6 10/10
Average 4.5 10/10

Ah yes, the chemical daddy.

The overall shape is just not aesthetically pleasing. It looks like someone picked up a pan and repeatedly smashed it all over singed's head. Not very symmetrical and large bumps all over.

Now, for the texture and look, it's alright, that's all I can say. Some wrinkles close to forehead but overall it's pretty shiny. Singed probably moisturizes

Now, you may be wondering why he originally had 4.5/10 and now he has a 10/10. Well, I was a singed one trick for quite some time and I just couldn't allow papa singed to get a bad grade like that. Sorry not sorry…

Urgot

Criteria Grade
Shape 4/10
Texture and look 2/10
Average 3/10

Shapewise it seems average? I guess? Maybe a little too much fat stored around. Keeping this in mind a 4 seems fair for the crab man

I'm not going to lie, urgot's bald head is just purely horrendous when it comes to texture and look. Wrinkles and scarring all over. I was seriously tempted to give it a 0/10 but judging by the way the light reflects off his head it looks like he at least moisturizes, that's enough to get him to a 2/10

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Pyke

Criteria Grade
Shape 8/10
Texture and look 3/10
Average 5.5/10

I gotta give it to pyke, he actually has a pretty nice head shape, I never really payed attention to it and was expecting way worse. Although not as good as Braum's, Pyke's bald head is also very round at the top while have having quite a square and sharp frame at the sides. With this in mind a 8/10 seems fair and square (terrible pun, sorry)

Unfortunately for Pyke, his good head shape does not make up for the lack of beauty when it comes to texture&look. Not as horrendous as Urgot's, but still hurts to look at. Although there are no visible wrinkles or veins, Pyke still suffers from very big scarring. Also some type of dirty smudging around, perhaps too much time in the ocean?

Ryze

Criteria Grade
Shape 6/10
Texture and look 8/10
Average 7/10

Ryze has a pretty long head, both horizontally and vertically. Kinda reminds me of the ancient peruvian skulls. However, it is symmetrical and quite round at the top. 6/10 seems fair

No scarring, no visible veins and no wrinkles. He has some type of pattern around the head, reminds me of warpaint and from my educated perspective, this only enhances his visual. 8/10

Sion

Criteria Grade
Shape 2/10
Texture and look 1/10
Average 1.5/10

Much like singed’s head, Sion’s is full of imperfections. Very square with a lot of corners and no apparent smoothness. Also, he appears to have a dagger jabbed in his head, if you were to remove it, a pretty ugly and large wound would be visible. Not sexy…

Since Sion has a pretty bad head shape you'd think that he'd at least make an effort to make it have a rich and soothing texture. No. No he doesn't. He really doesn't at all. No effort whatsoever. This tilts me more than my jungler inting, blaming it on all me, and then giving me a detailed monologue explaining all the different ways he makes love to my mother. 1/10

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Gragas

Criteria Grade
Shape 7/10
Texture and look 8/10
Average 7.5/10

From what I can see, Gragas has a nicely shaped head. Symmetrical and round. It's nice. Very nice. Nice.

Very luscious texture. No veins, no scars, no wrinkles and a decent amount of shine. He also has a white U painted on. I have absolutely no idea what it means, but it does not add nor subtract from his overall look.

Brand

Criteria Grade
Shape Crisp/10
Texture and look Crisp/10
Average Crisp/10

Crisp


Overall ranking

Rank Champion
1 Singed
2 Braum
3 Gragas
4 Ryze
5 Pyke
6 Urgot
7 Sion
Rank Champion
? Brand

Source: reddit.com

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