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Ranting about every single SSBU character – Day 44 : Mega Man

Content of the article: "Ranting about every single SSBU character – Day 44 : Mega Man"

SSBU is agreed to be the most balanced of all the smash games, so naturally all the characters are broken beyond comprehension and I hate them all.

Keep in mind that this is not a serious post, I am not directing this at anybody, this is just for fun and to relieve the immense amount of salt I've accumulated

Day 44 : Mega Man


Stop it.

That's it, you spineless mud-eating troglodyte, I've had it up to fucking here with your shit, I'm done.

What? You think I'm joking? You utter filth. All you do is shoot pellets. You pick up Mega Man, we get in a match, and you pelt me with pellets. That's a fun time? That's how you wanna play video games? You wanna constantly run away and hand me lemons?

"B-b-but that's h-his p-p-playsty-" shut the fuck up, your words are an offense to the molecules that labour to carry them to my ears. If that's his fucking playstyle, I can see why Capcom let the whole damn franchise rot while they focused on literally anything else. Bitch-ass coward, fucking running around destroying the local wildlife in his Speedo.

"N-no, he has other tools too" like what? I sure as fuck barely see you use them. All you do is lemons, and you can deny it to everyone, but I know there's some pulsing beta instinct in there that enjoys being a little bitch. Otherwise why would you play Mega Man?

Ok, you insist that there are other tools. You mean like the Sawblade? The only other thing you continually spam? Yeah, incredible utility there, fucko, you spend hours labbing "blade combos" and whatsit and at the end of the day you just press B. It's even more pathetic when you try to throw it all fancy, like backwards diagonally. And if anyone ever manages to catch the blade, you fall to pieces, like badly stacked Jenga. Don't worry, while you were labbing, your girl left you long ago. She's with a better man now.

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Oh, Leaf Shield? Yeah, that's amazing, real fucking incredible, you press Down B and then run towards me. Really suits you, doesn't it? All you ever do is hurt others when you get close to them, you roiling pit of vipers.

Oh wow, Sticky Bomb, wow, amazing, literally every time you're ever offstage you shoot it at me, why ever face any hurdles ever, hmmm? Can't be disturbed when you're trying to Up B, yeah?

Oh, but when I'm trying to recover you just go all in, don't you? Rocket fists are fucking awesome, so stop Dairing, you're bringing down its reputation. How you manage to constantly miss with a huge propelled puncher is the world's second greatest miracle.

The first greatest miracle? Well, somehow the universe managed to deliver you, a person with literally zero redeeming qualities, and your parents still decided to keep you. I'm told the chances of that are vanishingly small. But they laboured to mold you into a good person. They put you through school, steered you away from potential Nazism, stopped others from (rightfully) bullying you. There was a glimmer of hope when you graduated. You were driven, full of energy. The curse upon you must've gone, they thought. Then you go ahead and pick fucking Mega Man. Who does that? Who goes and betrays the people they love like this?

Don't you even fucking bring up your tilts, you snivelling little shit. Since Smash 4 you've been trying to get that Utilt. I know you dream of that day when you can get it, and scream "UGUGU SHORYUUUKEN" and somehow lift your sweaty bulk off the chair to pop off.

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And brilliant ledgetrapping, you toadspawn. Just stand away from the ledge and hold Fsmash. God, how can you enjoy doing the bare minimum to exist?

Oh, oh, oh, but let's not forget that when you're not busy using your glorified nerf gun, you run and you spin at me. Great dash attack, jackass.

And, wow, I see you pulled a Goku and use stolen techniques for your aerials, eh? The sword, the claw? You think I don't know? For your "edgeguarding" all you ever do is turn around and try to catch me with that bair. Which, it's frame 4, we're playing online, of course I'll get hit if I recover anywhere but low.

And the Uair. At least most of the cast has to actually reach me to use their Uair. Not you, though, all you do is toss out tornadoes from a safe distance, don't you? It's just the easy road the whole way, isn't it? And because Nintendo had to overcompensate for Capcom dunking Mega Man in the gutter, it even kills.

Don't think I've forgotten about the Nair. You must have creamed yourself when you realise you could transition from walking and shooting to jumping and shooting, because that's exactly the way you like to play, just being annoying. You bucket of shriveled appendixes.

I suppose it speaks volumes that you were so fucking repulsive that even your dog had to be engineered for you, because no living thing would be able to tolerate your presence for more than a nanosecond, so your creator made a creature that couldn't say no. And because you lack any empathy, you use him as a stepping stone to recover or to book it out of dangerous situations. Metaphorically throw him to the wolves. How do you sleep at night? Do you stare into the distance with your cold dead robotic eyes until it's time for the next match? You heartless scum.

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So yeah, fuck you, fuck Mega Man, I'm fucking done with this game.

Transcript of a Donkey Kong main's breakdown after a match with a Mega Man main

Index of the previous rants


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