Super Smash Bros

Ranting about every single SSBU character – Day 52 : Shulk

Content of the article: "Ranting about every single SSBU character – Day 52 : Shulk"

SSBU is agreed to be the most balanced of all the smash games, so naturally all the characters are broken beyond comprehension and I hate them all.

Keep in mind that this is not a serious post, I am not directing this at anybody, this is just for fun and to relieve the immense amount of salt I've accumulated

Day 52 : Shulk

When I first saw Shulk, I assumed he was from a Fire Emblem game that took place in a bit of a whackier setting, like 80s movie sequels branching out to try new things. I have since discovered Xenoblade Chronicles, bought the remake, and am having the time of my life. I mean the goddamn soundtrack, man.

Now, I'm still midway through, so I swear to god, I see a single spoiler in the comments, I'll snap your dick in half. Moving on.

If you've ever gone to England, entered a pub, and picked a fight with one of the underaged schoolkids trying to score alcohol, you'd notice a few things. One, there's something genuinely wrong with you if you actually did any of the above, I mean, who goes to England? Second, it's pretty much like fighting Shulk, except the schoolkid doesn't have the effective range of a barge pole tied to another barge pole.

Seriously, the range is fucking murderous. Byleth may be the distance demon, but Shulk is the only one to boast consistent range across all his moves. Good luck getting in there when everything is hitting you from about 8 character lengths away

Now, let's talk about Arts.

Shulk is one of the few characters who can buff himself in game, and I say "buff" in the loosest sense of the word. It's the reason everyone bangs on about Shulk being top tier despite no one actually proving it. It's a bit like George R. R. Martin telling us he's been writing "Winds of Winter". He's been almost done for 9 years now.

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People like to talk about how potent the Monado arts are, which, I don't know why they're talking big shit when it's pretty simple

Smash – stronk kill

Buster – macks deepeeyesss

Speed – gotta go fast

Shield – fatass

Jump – personally, I prefer the air

It's a pretty simple game plan to follow, too. I know this because every Shulk plays exactly the same, further reinforcing my theory that everyone in my life is just one person changing costumes really quick.

1) Start off with Buster for ultra damage, or Speed for twitter combos

2) Switch to Speed for twitter combos, or Buster for ultra damage

3) Oh no, you have been caught in a combo. Or maybe it's just two moves that happens to connect. Or the opponent was scratching their nose. Who cares, immediately switch to Shield, and have this really awkward moment where the opponent finishes an attack, only to see that you have briefly taken on the properties of an anchor

4) Switch to Smash and try really, really hard for a stock, momentarily forgetting that there's a knockback multiplier on you as well, and then die to a shitty throw

5) Experiment with other combinations through the match, only to realise that you're a little bitch who's unwilling to step out of your comfort zone, and the most risk you'll ever take is to go Jump so you can chase the opponent deep, and if that fails, Up B while facing away from the ledge.

As for his moves itself, you've got his Fair that hits like a gigantic protractor, and his Bair, which is the most awkward animation I've ever seen in Smash, and his Nair which orbits around him.

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His tilt attacks are pretty standard, although Utilt gives off some serious Snake vibes

Backslash is so fucking stupid. I hate this move. For no reason. I hate that I'll be chasing a Shulk in the air, and then I hear a shriek of "BACKSLASH" from up high and the cheeky cunt lands harder than the cross did on Caesar.

The only move I actually like is Vision. I mean, counterattacks are a boring design choice, but it's one of the few that make sense from his home series.

Shulk players are either people who play Shulk because they played Xenoblade, or who played Xenoblade after they played Shulk, and both groups won't shut the fuck up about Xenoblade.

They also won't shut the fuck up about how Shulk is actually a top tier, and how we're underestimating his potential, or about how he's very difficult to play at a high level despite the fact that the extent of their high level play is Fairing with different Arts. They talk about all the incredible tech they mastered, and come up with more acronyms than Hollywood American military, even though the most use these tech are going to see are flashy combos with either naive or willing participants.

The only good rhythm you're going to get is your elegy.

Index of the previous rants


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