Super Smash Bros

Ranting about every single SSBU character – Day 62 : King K. Rool

Content of the article: "Ranting about every single SSBU character – Day 62 : King K. Rool"

SSBU is agreed to be the most balanced of all the smash games, so naturally all the characters are broken beyond comprehension and I hate them all.

Keep in mind that this is not a serious post, I am not directing this at anybody, this is just for fun and to relieve the immense amount of salt I've accumulated

Day 62 : King K. Rool

Oh my sweet king. I knew this day would come. I promise, it'll only hurt today.

I love playing King K. Rool. He's the perfect mixture of whacky tricks and hard hitting blows that are typical of a heavy, and alongside Incineroar I feel he's got the most personality of any Smash character. Hell, look at his entrance animation. He just lands straight out of the sky and he's laughing. You're getting ready to pull out all your labbed techniques and he's laughing.

Playing against him, however…

Never have I hated my brethren more than I hate other K. Rool players. It's unbelievably aggravating when you know your character in and out and you encounter one online and you lose because of the bullshit that you normally pull on others.

"What the fuck is that Nair" I shriek, willfully ignoring all the times I just push through attacks with it to land

"Why is his side B so armoured" I wail, conveniently glossing over all the times I just tank hits with it

"Who the fuck designed this Dsmash, I swear I'll scorch their flesh" I swear, not mentioning that it's my favorite method of stock acquisition

"FUCKING DTHROW BURY FFS I HATE MASHING" I bellow, momentarily forgetting that at high percents I get more grabby than a drunk pervert in happy hours.

See, KKR players are staggeringly stupid, so to make a character that even the most senile limbless blind arthritis-ridden wretch can play, they went and stuffed 10 pounds of bullshit in a 5 pound bag.

Firstly, Belly Armor is way more powerful than it has any right to be. All attacks involving his prodigious gut are armored by the golden plate he wears over his stomach. Not heavy armor. Super armor. Which is a pretty interesting and fun mechanic if our Terrible Tsar here wasn't all belly I mean seriously have you seen the guy, he has a head like a pebble and a paunch like a meteor.

This means that a lot of his attacks that would be decent on other characters are outright oppressive on this lizard (which I suppose is in keeping with his character as a cruel tyrant- wait a second….cruel….K. Rool… Oh my god). Nair keeps you completely safe until you land, for example. And that's not even the best one.

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I remain convinced that his Ftilt is one of the best in the game. I mean the absolute unit just claps you so hard you fucking die, come on. But good thing there's a delay before thee actual hit where he can be interrupted


Get fucked, scrub. Wanted to take advantage of your frame data to interrupt him? Well guess what, all of that prelude to pain is guarded by his titanite tumtum, watch your fist helplessly bounce off as his palms come closer to help your ear canals meet each other.

Utilt is a guaranteed followup from Dthrow at all percents so of course every scrap of trash does this instead of keeping it in check to keep the elements of staling and surprise and opting to instead go for an Uthrow, which looks cool as fuck.

One bury wasn't enough so they gave him a separate move for it, and he stomps you into the mud. I, of course, remain the only KRool to actually land this move. I think I've mentioned that I'm the only competent KRool main, and am intelligent enough to play strand-type games. This bury lasts a hell of a time, but it's balanced by how short the range is, instead of, say, some fluid dripping fishgirl walking all over you to achieve the same result.

Now for my favourite and most hated move, the thing that was flattening anyone unfortunate enough to be only recently acquainted with Smash, Dsmash.

I'll be honest, it's baffling how effective this move is, or maybe there's a lot more people going for grabs than I thought. You assumed that the bizarre Z-axis dodging was about the wonkiest it could get, and then this crafty bastard joins in. Let's bullet it for easier understanding, shall we? This move –

• Leaves the ground at frame 4

• Is one of the most powerful Dsmashes in the game

• Hurgledy plurgurble Belly Armor

• Has massive quake hitboxes on each side, giving him the equivalent range of 3 K.Rools holding hands and singing a rather aggressive sea shanty

• Breaks shields like someone with osteoporosis breaks bones

• You went for a grab, except that there is nothing in front of you except a golden nipple, and then everything goes black

I honestly have no issues with his aerials except Nair. I mean they're good, but they're all so laggy it pretty much offsets whatever threat it posed, although I will say the amount of times every KRool I've played goes for a bair you'd think it would single-handedly elevate their GSP

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"You know, I'm beginning to think we've given him a bit much" muses the dev team, "so naturally let's give him a bit more"

His neutral B had him pull out an actual hand cannon that then becomes a command grab to pull in anything from small rats to huge turtles, which, I'm not a gunsmith but I don't think guns can do that. It's pretty good as a 2-in-1 deal, though. I remember the days when the range was huge and it was every KRool's strategy to ledgetrap by just holding B. Good times, not too stressful for their primeval minds.

Side B has him yeet his crown at you, reminiscent of his golden age before Rare got absolutely dicked over. Now, it's true that he already has super armor, but c'mon, you guys, he really needed another, separate heavy armor for this, really! Not to mention that apparently solid gold can shoulder through things like energy blasts because the krown has extremely high priority.

Gut Check is a projectile/reflector that utilises all of that fat to just bounce off whatever you throw at him. It's balanced because it only covers his belly, but there's a surprising amount of mileage gotten from people countering a move offstage and then turning around with it, somehow catching the opponent who was mulling around behind KKR's scaly cheeks, and this is aside from the fact that it's one of the strongest counters.

Curse KRool and his devious mind and technological prowess, for instead of just spinning wildly upwards like his fellow heavies, the mfer puts on a whole ass helipack and just soars. It's a really good recovery, but what sets it aside is the sheer disjoint of the rotors. They extend about a kilometre upwards of KRool's body, and in keeping with the community's tendency to behave like toddlers, no one has yet figured out that hitting from upwards without a projectile just isn't going to work, and that the best option would be attacking the sides. Along with his weight, being the second heaviest, KKR gets some hefty survivability, with living beyond 200% being the norm most of the time.

Bthrow kills now, wow. And Uthrow does a raw 20%, which, to be fair, seems par for the course when someone snaps your spine like a dry stalk of grass. Then, of course, there's his Dthrow, which is apparently the only existing throw for the other filthy KRool players out there. Dthrow into Utilt until high percents when they can't mash out in time to avoid a smash. At least they're consistent.

It all boils down to a battle of attrition with KRool. And with his weight, zoning, solid recovery, it's a battle he's set to win. He'll live longer, reach higher. Of course, instead of going bonkers with the uncontested best character in the history of Smash, most players simply alternate between throwing his projectiles and then running in for a grab, and they either get it or a Dsmash just kills, finally. It's hurtful to see him reduced to being the character getting stomped in every The Salt is Real (which, by the way, wow, you're getting a combo on the character who has literally zero options to escape? That's amazing, I bet you shoot the side of a barn at point blank and then wank yourself off for being such incredible marksmen. And markswomen. Equality)

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And, and you know what? KRool is the best character ever, and by god I'm the best KRool player to ever walk these hallowed grounds. What're you gonna do to prove me wrong? Fight me? On Nintendo's garbage online service and connection? Overseas? You really want to suffer?

Exactly. I'm the undisputed GOAT because I simply refuse to dispute it.

And to other KRool players, I see you around, I'm gonna pull a Scar and drop you off a cliff in front of your children. Long live the King, assholes.

Index of the previous rants


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