Super Smash Bros

Zain is the reason I will never be good at Melee.

Content of the article: "Zain is the reason I will never be good at Melee."

Hear me out. I love Melee. I think it is an amazing, difficult, sick fucking game that rewards the better player almost all the time. Having a good stock/game/match in Melee is the epitome of going sicko mode in a video game. And, at most levels and under most circumstances, your skill is directly responsible for how much of a God you are in any given match. Problem is, that stops being true if you're playing a low tier.

Enter Zain.

This motherfucker has convinced my heart that Roy is actually good. Roy is not good. I know that he's not good. In my head, I see that ridiculous limp dick wet noodle dogshit wacky waving inflatable arm tube sword that "rewards" poor spacing as the worst disjointed hitbox in the game. It does no damage, it has no knockback, no shield pressure, offers next to no mixups, and is terribly outclassed by most other characters' bread and butter options. It's simply terrible.

But my heart still thinks he's sick. And that, my friends, is the reason I will never be good at this game. I've seen too many gsu-Marcurial clips. I've witnessed side b edgeguards at the ledge. I've popped off while Zain money matched whatever player (it literally doesn't even matter. They've all gotten sauced) and destroyed them with weak fair to suicide dair. And, like many of my ex girlfriends, I've lost track of how good they actually are for me and have become too enamored with how good they look when they put makeup on and hang with a real chad like Zain.

Read:  A Valve character for Smash is absolutely completely underrated.

So honestly? Fuck you Zain. I lose all the time now. I can't remember the last time I won a Slippi set. Most people literally just leave the game when I actually manage to do a combo because they think they're getting posterized on stream. I don't even fucking stream. I gain nothing from the false confidence I've gained from watching you play. You have ruined Melee for me, forever.

I hope Mango 3-0's you next time you two play in bracket.


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