The Elder Scrolls

The Thoughts of a Completely and Totally Normal Scamp

I've always been here. Always have been, always will be. I didn't get invited to the ol' Doom Drum's Drum Circle, so I stayed behind while they made their music. I didn't mind, though. I have my own drum, and the world wasn't ready for me yet. So I sat in Oblivion, plotting my big break. Took on the form of a scamp. A scamp! Tiny little thing, no one expects them. Great for show. Leaves 'em dazzled every time.

So there I sat, twiddling my thumbs, waiting for just the right moment to walk out. Not that I could control when that would be, mind you. Not yet. I can do that now, but not back then. Anyways, one day as I was scamping around, I felt the twitch in my body. Perfect! Plane travel, first class, priority boarding. Some old wizard named Zandu or something tried to summon me for his shop, but I killed him. Easy enough. That's what scamps are supposed to do, right?

Anyways I was finally on the ol' Mundie, right where I wanted to be. And money in my hand! Money flowing from hand to pocket to hand and all to me. I'm not hoarding it for myself, though. All part of the show. I never followed the old rules, the whole “one plus one equals two” thing. Such an Anuic concept. Can you believe it? Imagine a whole world run by numbers. I would die.

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At first I didn't know the language, so I just kind of pointed and grunted. That's what scamps are supposed to do, right? I don't actually know, I've never met a real scamp. Anyways I got the point across easy enough, customers knew what I wanted. Eventually I learned the whole Tamrielic thing, the numbers and all that. Made up some fun un-numbers. Nothing more fun than telling a customer that their sujamma costs .̸̯̩͂̿̔ septims. Makes their head spin right round, right round.

I moved up to Caldera a couple years ago, moved in with some orcs. Strange fellows, they are. Don't talk much. One of them is in kahoots with the Hunger, and personally I think that's pretty cool. Paddy could use a boost or two on this plane. All sorts of interesting customers come through, though. I buy their magic armor for 5000 gold, sell them some wine for /̶̟͉́ gold. They never seem to ask where it comes from. Good on them, I guess? I dunno. Not sure if their minds could handle it.

I can feel my mind expanding, my magicka growing deeper. I can feel my skin tightening, my ears becoming more, scamp-y? Don't know if that's related. Maybe it's just the Rockjoint. But that's okay, I'm overdue for a new look anyways. I was always one to fly under the radar, but this bird's about to take off. My fellow Regents always called me crazy, wanting to play my drum and handle my coin instead of dominate mortals and enslave them and all that jazz. What a bland business. I can guarantee you I have more fun.

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And fun, I am about to have. I'm almost ready, and ol' Zenny doesn't even know what's coming for him. He's had it too good for too long, with all his “one plus one equals two” and “six divided by two equals three.” What a lunatic. And don't even get me started on what they're doing over at the Imperial University- zero? Infinity? Planar geometry? Only the utterly deranged could have dreamt up such ridiculousness. He has played us for absolute fools. Well, thankfully, Zenithar won't be at his old abacus and anvil for much longer.

The time is almost upon us. Almost, because I just got a new shipment of skooma in and I don't want it to go bad without me. No sense letting it go to waste (these orcs certainly won't be using it). So hello, Caldera! I'm here all week!


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