The Sims

I’m pissed off, and now I have a list of demands for the next Sims game

Content of the article: "I’m pissed off, and now I have a list of demands for the next Sims game"

Disclaimer: this post is slightly tongue-in-cheek, but does convey my thoughts on what I think should be prioritized for The Sims 5, assuming it gets made. Also, this post will be laden with profanity – you’ve been warned

Something that has remained a constant throughout the Sims series is that Sims do all kinds of stupid shit to piss you off. The Sims 4 is better about this in some regards, but worse in others. This all became very clear to me during a bit of a marathon Sims 4 session yesterday, playing a family that consisted of two married sims and their three pairs of twins, where I became more and more frustrated throughout the day. Apologies to my neighbors, who probably now think I’m verbally abusing a mute person who lives with me as they sporadically hear me scream things like “NO! Put down the fucking bowl NOW and go to the fucking bathroom, you stupid cunt!”

As a result, I now have an official list of demands for Sims 5. It doesn’t include cars, open world, or any of that crap. It simply includes ways for sims to not piss me off so fucking much.

Btw, this is focused on ways the Sims 4 pisses me off, but before you go smugly saying “tHiS iS wHy I wEnT bAcK 2 tHe SiMs 3”, just know that I will glady spell out the fucking LITANY of ways that The Sims 3 used to piss me off. Try me, stans. 🤣

Without further ado, my list of demands for a future Sims game:

  1. If I tell you to do something, do it NOW!!! Not 5 sim minutes from now. Not after you’re done with the chat animation. NOW!! Fucking NOW NOW NOW. I know it’s really important to you that you finish your next bite of cereal, but it’s more important to _ ME_ that you not SHIT YOURSELF. In other words, sims should be more responsive and stop an activity immediately if the player has cancelled that action. It’s not unrealistic to do – in real life it’s a thing you can do to say “Hold that thought, Bob, I need to go to the bathroom before I shit myself.” It’s not rude, it’s just good manners to not shit yourself.
  2. Stop being so GOD DAMN DUMB. We need better AI. It doesn’t have to be perfect – I’m totally fine with my stupid sims passing out because they didn’t get enough sleep. What I can’t fucking stand is when they’re so irredeemably stupid that it results in what I’m lovingly referring to as “Nightmare morning”. It’s Saturday morning, the last pair of twins is ready to age up. So mom baked them a birthday cake. This takes hours because all the teenagers in the house are all trying to cook for some fucking reason despite that there are already two excellent-quality meals ready for them on the counter, and so mom can’t reach the oven to finish the cake. Cue several minutes of all my sims playing hot potato with this bowl of cake dough as I try to cancel their actions one by one. This is already fucking infuriating, but then one of them decides to try to grill something, but they have no cooking skill so they set the grill on fire, and now everyone stops what they’re doing to look at the fire, which is on the other side of the fucking lot. Bright side, now the oven is clear, so mom can finally finish baking the fucking bake. Finally, we get some candles on that bad boy, and mom’s close to her birthday, so I decide to kill three birthdays with one cake. Mom blows out the candles, but then instead of aging up, she teleports outside of the house. Okay let’s try again. Same thing. I do reset sim, and this time it works. I proceed to do “reset sim” on each of the twins before having them blow out the candles, though it takes a while, because they have both wandered off to the edge of the lot which is a big deal because it’s one of those huge Windenburg lots. In summary, better AI for autonomy. The autonomy is better than in previous games but it’s still really bad.
  3. Faster eating. Faster shitting. Faster showering. I’m so fucking sick of this shit, I don’t know why we’re all so okay with it taking a fucking month for a sim to eat a fucking bowl of cereal, sitting there like a grinning little cunt staring at the fucking wall for an hour between each fucking bite. WATCHING SIMS EAT AND SHIT IS NOT WHY I PLAY THE SIMS. That’s just the part I (barely) tolerate so I can do the fun parts, like developing their relationships or working on their careers. NO ONE OTHER THAN MY SISTER IN LAW TAKES TWO HOURS TO SHOWER!!! Just fucking quit it. Make it faster. Get shit done.
  4. Multi-tasking is great, but it shouldn’t slow things down. Realism be damned, if I have no control over some dipshit missing link mother fucker coming over to talk to my sim while she’s eating, then I shouldn’t be punished for it by having the eating take long enough to be measured with a sun dial. If my sims are talking while they do homework, that shouldn’t slow down the process of finishing the homework. Again, fuck realism, I just want to not be pissed off.
  5. Stop being so GOD DAMN DUMB, part 2. There’s a dinner table and a chair right next to you, why are you walking up two flights of stairs to sit on the bed to eat, you Neanderthal? There’s a kitchen sink right next to you, why are you journeying deep into the Amazon to wash your plate in the fountain of youth, you dumb fucking bucket of donkey shit?! Your date is sitting on that barstool right there, why are you climbing up to the fucking roof to start chatting with her, you backwards-pissing monkeyfucker?!
  6. Automatically change into normal clothes to go to work or school. I don’t know why my sims are all going to school in their (very inappropriate) pajamas or when that shit even started, but they needtofuckingquitit.
  7. Back on “group conversations”. There needs to be an invite only thing. Like a pop up that says “Brent Hecking would like to join the conversation”, and the options should be “Sure, come on in, buddy” and “Fuck off”. I love group conversations because they allow more than two sims to build relationship at the same time, but the player should have control over this. The reason is because trying to get a group convo back down to just two sims IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE that takes eons to do.
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(Sigh) I feel better now. But seriously. I want more control over my sims, and I want them to be less hopelessly dumb when I just don’t feel like micro-managing a household of 8 sims.


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