Total War

As the twilight of Warhammer 2 slowly crawls near, I started to play campaigns I never touched before, and holy crap it’s like a weird but awesome rockstar’s show.

Characters I never cared about. Still don't, but you know, I reached a point where I replayed my favourite character's campaigns so many times I'm slightly, just slightly starting to see it as a game. Not some grand epic alternative version of the stories I came to know and love in the books, or replaying their events. It's like a breath of fresh air and freedom of exploration to literally go where you never went before, and play as somebody you don't know a single fucking piece of information about.

  • spotlights loudly switch on
  • the hall goes silent
  • the curtains slightly move aside on the side of the stage
  • (boxing match style introduction)


DJ Khatep! The living artillery who you'll get to fight darkelves with in narrow mountain paths so well defendable (for both sides) and maze-like that any Nehekaran king would get lost, but not man my man DJ Khatep!

Enter the infamous pirate dance group from the busy Sartosa, from the depths of the Great Ocean, and the reincarnation – who also died – of the Phantom of the Operahouse! Aranessa, Noctilus, Cylostra!

The whole skaven race who I everyone loves to hate and hates to love, because their weird ass economy makes you unsure if you should expand or just estabilish undercities, they'll never let you play the way you want with them because if you expand it sucks, if you just estabilish undercities it's slow as fuck, they are either godly overpowered or so uselessly weak you'll struggle to find an enjoyable experience GET THE FUCK DOWN FROM THE STAGE SKAVEN I STILL HATE YOU.

There. Guards, remove the pest from the building, thank you. Back to the show.

(hype voice back on)

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Our great white lizard enters the stage, proving that CA did not yet give up on attempting to make horde factions an enjoyable experience, so let's dive deep into the

(LOUD SCREAMING) "Hey I'm here too!"

Looking at the audience a recently fired member of the show is hurrying forward after nearly falling over in his own rags and skulls attached to the unneccessary amount of belts around his waist.

SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP NORSCA! You'll never be able to play as a raider who brings home riches to his harsh homeland because everyone wants to conquer your shitty lands for no reason. Come back when the AI doesn't want to take red category climate lands first!!!!


I SAID COME BACK LATER! Lokhir is our raider now, he is even better at pirating than all that undead shitshow who… I just announced… fuck. (Looks over to Luthor Harkon) I didn't mean that sir. "See you outside. I'll be waiting by your ship". Luthor Harkon leaves the stage.

(Sad Norsca noises. Chaos Warriors were listening to the whole thing from the door. They were about to enter and introduce themselves in their full glory, but stepped back, disheartened. As Norsca walks out from the hall Archeon gently puts his hand on Wulfrik's shoulders. He casts a single glance over to the spotlight on the stage with the Advisor announcing all the entertainers. "Soon you motherf-cker, soon".

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Enter Wulfrik, the man with the bow so great all the Alith Anar fangirls secretly dream about in their wet dreams! Follow the MAN to the woods and you'll piss and sweat blood to survive in the Hunger Games of Lustria, and you'll love every moment of it!

Come to the stage beautiful conquering desrt maiden of ZE LAHZY ! Who did you call lazy?! Exchuse my frenchh, oh thy living rule34 material, oh you inspiration of anime artists, conquer the deserts or sit in your battle tent trying to figure out which economy type is better when where and why.

Ya'all bloody wankahs from the strange rainy lands with the weird faced women heroes, come, come and join us, because your boring medieval nature was never as attractive as right now, when all else was played to death already! Come you englishmen, or french, or whatever you are. Marienburg is going to be yours, aye? (Bretonnians cheer out loud, the crowd is in ectasy)


(Clicks PLAY)

The audience starts a mosh pit, stomping all around on some useless beastmen's hide draped across the floor. Teclis is still sitting at home in his profound belief that he is too good for this party , refusing to accept the reality of how much of an insecure sad man he is.

(Author's incoherent ramblig may be forgiven during hype times, all rights reserved. Any and every person who might lose his life during the show entered knowing of this possibility and signed in case this unlucky event occurs their souls may or may not be offered to the bickering laughing gods)

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