Total War

Who was… Paris?

Content of the article: "Who was… Paris?"

A lil bitch who died in agony LMAO. The End.

Okay, fine, let's talk about Paris. When Paris was born, his mother, Hecuba, dreamt she gave birth to a torch, which a seer said meant that Paris would bring doom to the city of Troy (correctly, as it turned out). Not wanting to lose Troy on account of one son (Priam would have over 50 sons), they gave him to a herdsman to kill him. The herdeman decided to leave Paris on a mountain to die. Less direct than just throwing stabbing him, but I suppose it's a bit too much to ask people to straight up kill a baby (until the Fall of Troy, see ya Scamandrius). The herdsman abandoned the baby, but a bear nursed the infant Paris, and when the herdsman came back several days later, he found Paris still alive. Taking this as a sign to keep the child alive, he gave an animal tongue to Priam and said that was all that remained of Paris.

Attempt 1 to off Paris failed, and the herder decided to raise Paris as his own son. Paris was a pretty good cowherd, and achieved renown as someone who could drive off cattle thieves. It was also at this time he had a nymph as a lover, Oenone, who had powers of healing (remember that for later!). Now, Paris had a hobby, and that hobby was to make bulls fight each other, with one of his bulls constantly winning these fights. He got so proud of his bull that he made a declaration that he would give a golden crown . Ares, being a dick, took the form of a bull and beat Paris's champion bull, and Paris, without hesitation, gave the Ares-bull a golden crown, a decision that would come to bite him in the ass later.

See, when the goddess Eris threw the golden apple with the words "To The Fairest" on it, Zeus decides that Paris is going to decide who among Hera, Aphrodite or Athena will get it (Zeus making the wise decision not to piss off two goddesses), since Paris had a reputation for honesty. Paris (after getting a promise he will not be killed straight off) first judges the goddesses with clothes on, then clothes off (whether or not the goddesses disrobed without being asked or not depends on the story), but can't make up his mind. So the goddesses decide to bribe him. Hera offers to make him the ruler of Europe and Asia, Athena says she'll make him undefeatable in battle, and Aphrodite offers him the most beautiful woman in the world to be his bride. Paris, being horny as shit because he's a fucking cowherd in the mountains, picks Aphrodite, thus earning the eternal enmity of two Goddesses.

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Alright, but how did Paris get to Helen? Well, first he goes to watch games in a nearby city. His foster dad tries to discourage him, but he goes anyways. He then competes in the games and does very well, so well that the Trojan Princes (unaware that they are blood brothers) decide to kill him for upstaging them. This would have ended up excellently for them in the long run, but Paris's foster dad reveals Paris's true heritage and Priam welcomes his son back. Someone points out that Paris was destined to ruin Troy, but Priam and Hecuba, in a reversal from their position years ago, state they'd rather lose all of Troy than him (they will, in fact, lose both).

Attempt 2 to get Paris killed has failed, and he is eventually sent on a diplomatic mission to Sparta, where he will meet Helen and seduce her (explicitly because of Aphrodite in some stories, not so in others). He decides to flee back to Troy with Helen while Menelaus is at his grandfather's funeral, plundering the treasury of Sparta to boot (claiming it as Helen's dowry). Yes this means he left his nymph lover.

Now, this of course gets Menelaus pissed, and the stage is set for the Trojan War.

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Paris's first appearance in the Iliad is to be yelled at by Hector for being a useless piece of shit whose only good quality is his looks, which makes Paris propose the idea of a duel between him and Menelaus to decide the war. Both Danaans and Trojans agree to this, and Paris shortly gets his ass handed him to Menelaus. Before Menelaus can strangle him to death (their weapons keep breaking), the goddess Aphrodite spirits Paris away, which makes everyone angry and it's noted that no Trojan would have hidden Paris as they would have killed him instead in that moment.

Paris ends up in his bedroom and Aphrodite threatens Helen into sleeping with him (it's revealed at this point that the romance has completely cooled off). Paris claims that Menelaus had the help of Athena, but Zeus himself notes that only Paris got helped by a goddess. Hector will later find Paris just hanging out and again calls him a piece of shit and threaten him into rejoining the war.

Attempt 3 to kill Paris has failed, and he takes to the field with his bow and is able to wound several Greek Heroes, forcing them off the field of battle and assisting in the Trojan's day of glory. He appears again after Hector dies, whereupon Priam laments all his remaining sons are losers (well Priam, you did say you were okay with losing all of Troy for Paris…).

Paris's big moment is, with the help of Apollo, to shoot and kill Achilles when he is assaulting the gates of Troy (although Hyginus says that it was Apollo in the form of Paris who did the deed, taking even that away from him). This would have been covered in the Aethiopis, which is a lost epic.

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Paris's death will come about due to an archer's duel with Philocetes, a Greek who had the poison tipped arrows of Heracles. Philocetes does not kill Paris then and there, but rather wounds him, and the agonizing poison of the Hydra's venom takes its toll on Paris. Paris is brought to Oenone, his former nymph lover, and begs her to heal him. Oenone, pointing out that he left her for Helen, lets him die of the poison. However, as his body is burning on the funeral pyre, Oenone regrets this and throws herself into the fire to die as well. The other nymphs then call Paris a piece of shit.

The fourth attempt by the universe to kill Paris having succeeded, the Greeks will soon sneak into Troy and sack the ever-loving shit out of it.


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